Many of my friends know that I have been in the business of helping others consider their risks while considering the best way to reach their goals and address their concerns. This normally means some form of planning for their future, whether it is financially, through some strategic documents to express their intent, or simply begin the formative steps to becoming responsible and reducing the emotional and other impacts that could occur were they not to plan for changes in their future.
I have served clients for over 20 years to help them look to the future, no matter how dire, how bright, how complex or seemingly simple they might consider it to be.
Ultimately, while I have served them by assisting them with services and products, ultimately those who have chosen to consider the ramifications of their decisions are the happiest long term. Carefully listening to them, helping them better define their aspirations and hopes, drafting goals, and creating strategies that work help them on their journey.
Yet, with these opportunities for life long relationships and the responsibilites that go with it, are profound emotional impacts that one never realizes until years into these relationships. And, how someone manages the emotions defines their authenticity, their ability to cope, and their success in continuing through life.
As my friends, collegues and family have witnessed, I have had the pleasure of serving people with AIDS, young families, older couples, gay individuals, lesbian families, and families of faith. It has been 20 years of learning and trusting not only of these clients, but for me.
I lost my dad almost three years ago. It was a transition that was sudden but that I feel most of my family was prepared to accept. We ultimately celebrated his life, continued on, miss him, but appreciate his commitment to his family, his unique contributions, his love and loyalty to my mother, and his own particular perspectives.
I lost my best friend in the 1996 to AIDS. Not only was it an 18 month caregiving impact, it was a time when AIDS was a horrifying divisive event in families and my best friend swore me to secrecy, not even to share his diagnosis with his family until he was prepared to inform them. That event was two weeks before his passing. I can admit that while I prepared myself for his death, the cumulative total of friends I lost that year was horrendous. I lost two close friends, two good friends, and two people I knew pretty well within a six month period. My grief at the conclusion of those six months overwhelmed me temporarily. Shortly after that time, I was encouraged by the guy cutting my hair to consider a grief counselor. I am so glad I pursued that suggestion.
Grief counseling allowed me to face the emotions all of us feel when someone dies, including when we face our own mortality. We all have different ways of addressing the concept of death, from altruism to denial, and from shock to peaceful acceptance. No way is the best, none of us master the concept well. Some of us deny that idea of an eternal existence beyond this plane while many look forward, faithfully, to a Kingdom of Heaven based on their understanding of God.
Ultimately, I have learned some basic beliefs I use to manage grief. While I have not had to face a certain demise in the short term, I am reminded often, by the passing of those I have met, revered or reviled, enjoyed or avoided, or simply appreciated their contributions and existence. I have had the opportunity to be a care giver personally, part of a family facing a loved ones death, served in the capacity of comforter, distant resource, and emotional personal listener. I hope I can share some basic suggestions and one concept I have come to advocate to those, including myself, who have that last decision to make about their remaining time, no matter how long it is.
I suggest these thoughts as ideas and truths to consider to reduce the impact of those intimate in your life, to support those you care about facing the prospect of dying or caring for someone who is dying, or simply as valuable concepts to exercise in relationships.
1. Never allow regret to torment you. Forgive and Restore Relationships so that memories and relationships can never grow bitter, causing damage far after a relationship is gone.
2. Do not deny that life is a challenge. Be merciful when someone is grieving the loss of their dreams and hopes. You never know when you may need the same kind of mercy. Listen with a caring heart and a open ear.
3. Cry with those who weep. Hug those who need one or could use one. People who are grieving are like sponges, soaking up the tears that are not cried, and if not hugged with love, may hold the tears too long and become bitter with the experience of crying alone.
4. Mourn after someone is gone, not before. Thank people for their impact. Celebrate their life while they live. Do not delay your appreciation for someone else. Appreciation in the moment is powerful. Funerals are not an easy place to create an event of exuberance for someone who impacts you. Celebrate with them .
5. Commit to helping others and follow through. Understand that guilt is not an emotion worth spending time to cultivate. Be generous.
6. Do not wait for guidance or direction. Follow up with those you know who face the demise of those they love. Often in the immediacy of the moment, the terror of the loss, the hopes of relief, and the pursuit of plans to relieve pain, those closest to the one facing death are overwhelmed, unable to rally others, reach out for assistance or host an audience. Rather than await instructions or invitations, reach out regularly to with an offer to assist. Suggest basic ideas of help that do not impose or require thought. Offer to drop off basic items as if you already have them and were able to stop by on the way to another appointment.
7. Assess and Comfort. Just as they may regularly be taking the temperature of the one they are responsible to provide care, it is important for you to assess them. Dear friends are always welcome. Close friends are trusted with housing disasters. Good friends bring wine and listen for a few moments.
8. Honor the one who is dying, but do not forget to honor, support and encourage those who are grieving, serving and sacrificing at for the one who is dying. Caregivers contribute more than love and service. Many caregivers die prematurely due to the sacrifices they make to someone they love who is dying. Their emotions are as immense and complicated as the one dying for a part of them is dying with the one passing, yet they are required to continue, sometimes with huge financial impacts and futures that appear dismal.
Finally, I have learned to have perspective and balance in my life. I encourage those who face their death, a life and death struggle, a disease that ultimately will take them from their families, and those who face the fears of their own demise.
I offer this one suggestion when considering your future. Steven Covey wrote "begin with the end in mind". I prefer to have a short and long term perspective to that concept in respect to dying. It is as follows:
Key Choice in Facing Death
If you knew your death would be in four weeks, would you grieve every day? Or, knowing you had that time, would you take advantage of every moment to accomplish things of significance which others would find valuable, precious or memorable. The choice is yours. It is how I determine what is significant and where I spend the time set aside for my own purposes.
Finally, one beautiful song of immense love, acceptance, and appreciation of the human condition has encapsulated these concepts for me. Early in the 1990's I attended a concert of the Flirtations, an acappela group. At the end of the concert, they sang "Everything Possible". "The only measure of your words and your deeds will be the Love you leave behind when you are gone." Consider its truth and the beliefs of this lullaby. It has become a mantra for me. In fact, it is a song I hope would be sung at a celebration of my own life, should that occur.
Yet, I hope these ideas, these suggestions, dare I say these truths, will help you, assist you, or help others facing a fearful time called dying. It isn't easy getting through life. Certainly one of the hardest times, yet most honored places you can accept, is participating and supporting another by being present when they include you as they face this process. It is an honor with a cost. Yet, what great honor it is to demonstrate love not only at the beginning of life or at the middle, but also as someone nears the end.
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