No Matter How Terrible the Experience, Perspective Can Provide Gifts. Goodbye 2013.

Goodbye 2013.  On this last day of 2013, I am spending time reflecting on a year of loss, leadership, and limits.  2013 was a year that tested my health, my resources, my love, my wisdom, my values, my loyalty, my willingness to lead, care, comfort, and make decisions that impacted others.

Over the last few months, as I have grieved the loss of Carleton while pushing forward to meet the needs of others in other areas of my life, I have begun to appreciate not just how awful 2013 was, or how terrible, or how painful.

I recognize that distance can improve your perspective.  As the distance from the day Carleton died, or that I was required to pursue actions at GSDBA to change its direction, or as I recovered from a health study started the year before that left me physically exhausted, I have found the opportunity to identify things that were provided to me within those terrible events.

In the events which impacted me most in 2013, whether it was with Carleton or in my grief, as I served as Chair of GSDBA, as a Financial Advisor, or faced my own personal health challenges, I discovered friends.  I found friends willing to come alongside me, who chose to listen, to help, to share the burdens I accepted.  They, at times, watched or encouraged, visited me or consoled me.  They gave me a counsel or a hug.  Some simply were patient while others were sympathetic and forgiving.  Friends are those who are understanding and become willing to participate whether they are asked or simply choose to interact.

My family, clients, and friends demonstrated wisdom by reminding me to care for myself, to grieve, to be patient, and to do only what I am able to do.  They demonstrated their love and affection for me.  And, in grief, it is sometimes very hard to remember that people love you.  My friends, even when I felt alone or stayed in my residence to grieve alone, founds way to remind me of their care.

Friends sent notes, e-mails, lunch, even some sent a cleaning service care package.   Yes, this year was brutal to my emotions, but it also demonstrated truth and character.  2013 became a year that tested my mettle, challenged my heart, demanded my answers to the toughest of situations, based solely on the values and understanding I have gleaned throughout my life from my Faith, my Experience, and the Investment of Others.

I had the opportunity to be the person responsible for Carleton's care.  I became his advocate.  I chose to spend time to prepare myself and Carleton for the possibility of his loss in his fight for his health.  I gained not just the honor of his belief in my as his choice for his "pit-bull" of care, but I took seriously what it could mean.  And, ultimately, on his last day, he left to me his last wishes and decisions, and I believe it was the right decision.

 It is terrible to be the one who is faced with making the ultimate decision for someone you love.  Yet, I did not turn from it.  And, ultimately, I was proud that I was witness to his pursuit of surrender and making his passing easier for others as his own life was passing.  His courage was a gift to see.

It is that kind of terrible moment that I was blessed to feel relevant to Carleton.  In Carleton's life, my beliefs and my values were tested.  And, ultimately, though in grief, in pain, exhausted and at times overwhelmed, those beliefs and values supported Carleton and me.  Trust Love (and God), Faith, Hope, Forgive Completely, Truth, Acceptance, Consideration for Others, Love without fear, Comfort, Loyalty.  Those values in practice throughout 2013 demonstrated values worth keeping.

While I faced grief, Carleton gave me more.  Carleton loved me with his entire being. His most awful grief was that he could not be with me longer.  His anger raged at times, but his total pursuit of forgiveness and resolution overwhelmed any harm.  Reflecting on things he said and did continue to amaze me as to his devotion and love for me.  I have come to appreciate his love more only after his loss.  My lack of understanding or appreciating its depth is perhaps the greatest regret I have.

2013 tested the extent of my ability to work with others, serve others, manage a multitude of issues, demands and continue to stay true to my own core values.  Carleton could have become an excuse to retreat from other areas of my life.  I chose not to do so.

My service to clients and my volunteer work at GSDBA became harder in 2013.  With an opportunity to lead GSDBA, issues arose that demanded skills taught by others.  I worked to unite people toward mutually developed goals.  I gained the opportunity to lead decision makers to identify new processes.  I introduced systems which exposed challenges.  Ultimately, I had the opportunity to help leaders in GSDBA make critical and important decisions for the future of the organization and the LGBT Community.

Some of those decisions would have a personal cost.  Yet, in reflecting on this year, that cost paled in comparison the the confidence that the decisions were right, appropriate, and would lead to a stronger organization and community.  Once again, terrible demands tested and confirmed the values, concerns, and passions I pursued.  Keeping the organization, or the community, ahead of one's own interest, ultimately is a core belief of mine that I continue to practice.

So, 2013 was a year of pain, hardship, loss, grief, and challenge.  I am comforted in the reflection that those experiences produced evidence that I have valuable, loyal and cherished friends, beliefs and values worth keeping, and abilities that continue to be useful in service to others professionally, individually, or in the community.

2013 was a year that tested me thoroughly and I am not ashamed with how I responded to its challenges.  I hope peace and joy for your 2014.  And, that should challenges arise, you will find friends, discover your wisdom, and stand strong.

Hello 2014.  I hope for few challenges and a time for me to refresh and renew.  And, to serve those I choose to serve professionally.   May 2014 be productive and profitable where 2013 was terrible and demanding.

Planning Christmas 2013

I have decided to spend Christmas in San Diego.  One reason was not to be the "Debbie Downer" at someone else's Christmas.  Another reason was restart a postponed tradition when I was single.  To invite Christmas Orphans, like me, to dinner.  This year, at Harvey Milk's Diner at 1:00pm Christmas Day.  Let me know if you would like to join me.  So far, there are two of us going.

I will visit Mom for a few days before Christmas in Portland.  Appreciate the colder climate.  See friends in Portland over the weekend before Christmas.  I hope to spend time with friends in Palm Springs after Christmas.  But, on Christmas, for the most part, I will be content to enjoy the Christmas Cookies mom is sending with those who stop by or while I am practicing and reacquainting my fingers with my instrument.. 

I have planned to set aside two hours to open the violin case and begin to practice music that I put aside for the last three years.  I plan on spend two hours on Christmas practicing and reconnecting with the 20 years of violin playing I used to do.  It was something I never did when Carleton was around.  And, he was disappointed I only played for him once.  He did not appreciate that I needed to practice in private.  For, I am a slight perfectionist at some things.  And, to perform, one must practice, alone.  Yet, it is a choice regret I took to heart.  I will not put it off any longer.  I hope to become better prepared to perform when someone simply wishes it.

So, practicing old tunes.  And, recreating a reformatted tradition.  Christmas is a present you can give to family or to others without family.  This year, I hope to have my own full table, at Harvey Milk’s Diner, with those who wish to share it with me.  Feel free to come along.  But, whether you plan to spend Christmas with family or friends, or alone.  Be sure not to spend the entire day by yourself.  Spend at least a couple hours with others.  Or, you simply can spend that time with me, over dinner, at a diner.

A Reflection on Christmas Past

When my mother makes a stocking, she does it for those she loves, or their friends because her family asks.  They are wonderful.  This year she made 12 stockings before she left to see my brother in Australia.  They are intricate, personal and amazingly special for each person who is given one.  Everyone I know who has received one compares the one they received to the ones she makes.  But, we all know we would never give up the one we have.

When my mother makes a Stocking for someone, that person then begins to hope they will be joining her Christmas Cookie List.  I know when I think of my Christmas stocking that her Christmas Cookie Package must be on its way.  Her Christmas Cookies have travelled all over the world to reach relatives and family.  If her Christmas cookies aren't her expression of affection and love, I have no idea what is.  I am looking forward to seeing mom for a few days before Christmas and to spend Christmas Eve with her before she takes me to the airport. 

A year ago, Carleton and I went to my Mom’s in Portland to celebrate Christmas.  Carleton simply wanted to be in Portland for Christmas.  But, I had asked if Mom would make a Christmas stocking for Carleton.  She accepted the task willingly.

When we arrived, Mom had it ready to present.  There had been murmurs amongst my siblings regarding where Carleton’s Stocking would be hung.  Mom surprised all.  My Mom is always practical.  But, sometimes practical makes others emotional.   It was a moment when we both felt part of my family.  My mother placed it in the place where Dad's stocking used to hang.  She was simply being practical, but to Carleton, she was recognizing him as my family.

I so appreciated the gift mom gave Carleton and me.  Carleton loved the stocking and was so proud of it.  Before he could hang it, he insisted on a picture with it.  Mom made sure he carried it with him to bring back to San Diego.  It iscarefully packed away with our Christmas things.

Now, as I consider going through the Christmas boxes, which to date, remain boxed in the closet, I worry and consider what I will do when I stumble upon that stocking.  It has now become a talisman.  A cherished memory of love that will evoke its own emotions when I discover it.  I am prepared to remember, to tear, sob, and grieve.  I am just not sure it will be this year.  I just am not focused on Joy this Christmas.  Though, I do appreciate the Peace that was brought to Earth for which so many worship and celebrate on Christmas Day.

This year, I hope you will spend time with those you love most, and cherish them.  Last Christmas was a dear gift for me.  I hope you will keep Carleton's Family in your thoughts.  I cannot imagine a Christmas without a Child, but please remember that many face that reality this Christmas. 

 Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.”
― Alice Morse Earle

 Enjoy each present with whom you share Christmas.  Life would be harder if you were to have to live with regrets instead of those you love.  So, make memories.  For it will be memories and people who help me through this Christmas. 

The First Post Carleton Thanksgiving

People said that the holidays would be tough.  I thought I was prepared.  Thanksgiving came.  And, starting at Rite Aid, when I couldn't remember what I was missing, and then realizing it was Carleton, I thought that would be it.  Just over 90 days, and my brain had just realized that Carleton wasn't going to be calling my cell phone on a holiday.  Nor, would he be travelling with me to a family event.

 

It wasn't rocket science but it was still a realization that hurt.  The loss became just a bit bigger than it had been just two days before. 

 

I had a 2 and a half hour trip to extended family that ended up becoming four hours.  Four hours with each radio station playing songs about missing family or programs about grace and family tradition.  By hour three, as I hit the Ventura Freeway on my way to Thousand Oaks, my eyes were filled with tear, my chest was grieving, and I was driving at 81 miles in thick traffic.  And, yes, there was no Kleenex.

 

The next episode came quickly when my next thoughts were the realizations that I hadn't seen these relatives since before Carleton's passing.  It was going be a heavy weekend.  And, it was.  Thanksgiving started the emptiness of losing Carleton again, because where we spent time, or how we spent it apart was remembered.   I kept waiting, subconsciously for him to call my cell.  It was only a few days later that I realized it.

 

Thankfully, after the extensive drive, I arrived at Kathy's home where 30 people were engaged in stories and smiles.  I was greeted at the door by my cousin, Arlene who rushed to the bathroom to refresh, then directed me to the wine tasting (I call it communion), and Dinner was soon to start. 

 

I had specifically come to enjoy the pies made by Kristin and loved how Kathy could whip up dinner!  I am so glad that I spent Thanksgiving with the Appleton Family and the Le Febre's.  It was a wonderful event.  And, they cared for me greatly.  And, Aunt Barbara, who lost Uncle Tom just four years ago, kept me in her sights, and after all was done, asked the questions I needed to hear, to know that I was not the only one who grieves and that it can be very overwhelmingly painful.  And, it can take awhile, and be sporadically unnerving.  It was a relief and then an outpouring from us both ensued.  But, the connection in loss had me feeling that loss anew, as if my brain was feeling it again for the first time.  Perhaps, only my heart had been doing the grieving since August, but now my Brain could no longer deny the reality. 

 

In anticipation of the holiday misery, Celia had offered her Palm Springs abode to me for the rest of the Weekend.  On Friday, I left Aunt Barbara's home and drove to Palm Springs to become reclusive, work through the emotions, and watch sci-fi marathons alone.  No one needs to see me fall apart or work at putting me back together.  Sometimes grief just means you need to grieve alone.  And, sometimes, you do need to be around people who love you.

 

By Sunday, I was ready to head back to life, work, and appreciate that the First After Carleton Thanksgiving was complete.  Emotions were felt, loss too, but I had pulled through, to move forward through the process.   And, truly thanksful for all of those who helped me through this year.