My mother has adopted specific technology to communicate and support her values. Over time, she has implemented a subtle but clear way of communicating to her children. During times of calm, it is expected that we will call her to touch base after work hours normally. This rule was never one that was discussed. I simply learned several things about my Mom growing up and as a young adult that I continue to follow in the present.
Originally, I thought she was the first super hero. Like Batman, you dialed and she answered. Swiftly we learned that if it was not an emergency, do not call her at work. The term "Emergency" was quickly defined as well.
As a teenager and young adult, I began to think perhaps that Mom did not know how to use a phone outside of work. Perhaps she de-skilled after 5pm or that her phone at home had no numerical buttons to press. What took 20 years to appreciate was that while she loves us, she chooses not to intervene without express permission. Considering her children and their highly opinionated thought processes, it certainly explains why we consider her the wisest of people.
Her patient exercise of not calling us has developed its own rewards. We call and call often with good news, great news and sometimes bad. We share stories, make her laugh, ask for input, hope for encouragement, listen to her plans, listen for ideas, make sure she continues to be as vibrant as she has been. She may be tired, eating dinner, knitting, or throwing the ball to Mandy, but she answers. I have learned that when she does not know what to say, due to the emotional nature of the call, the best and most valued word she could utter is "wow". I realized over the last three years that it spells "MoM" upside down. I concluded what better word could one express?
In return, we listen to stories about Mandy, her springer spaniel, along with updates of other siblings and cousins, the beauty of the backyard, who will get the next Christmas stocking, when will Christmas cookies be baked, and perhaps a story from her past. We determine visiting times at the house, prepare for to do lists, and ultimately, become reassured that she is well, will be among us a long time, and when the Earth shakes, we can still be comforted.
Facebook is not our chosen way communicate. I am quite simply too political at times in some of my posts with friends at times too racy for her consumption. For her, Facebook is for keeping track of my cousins, reading notes of silliness, and finding old friends. Phone calls remain generally useful for inbound calls and to arrange Mandy's grooming.
Over the last three years, she has adopted e-mails as an effective and useful tool for sharing a few of her general thoughts and general updates of good news about family. She normally uses e-mail to forward something from one of the family to update the siblings. She will choose this mode to share a proud achievement, a recipe, or a notice of when Christmas cookies will be delivered to all cousins and family.
Three years ago, I began to notice that Mom had adopted e-mail to inform the three siblings whenever bad news reached her about someone we know or should remember. At first, I was surprised at this change in communication. For before Dad's death, Dad was tasked with giving bad news not Mom. I remember being just 16 when I got such a call from Dad while I was in Brazil about a friend from Hermiston, my age, who had suddenly died. That call in 1986 became the format for 25 years of phone calls bearing bad news and death. In was so consistent, that we would joke about it in a perverse way for Dad would start those conversations all the same.
I realized that Mom had chosen a different communication style for such bad news, and without discussion, had implemented it for herself. After a few such instances, I began to tease Mom. The teasing was more a response to my uncomfortable feelings that she did not use the same tactics my Dad had used. Perhaps, also, because it was a form that did not provide quite as much information to me without action on my part.
In the middle of last year, as Carleton's health began to rapidly fail, when I was hardly sleeping, an e-mail from Mom arrived. I opened it. In it was a message of grave concern from Mom to me. Upon its completion, I realized how worried my mother was for me, for my situation, for my care of myself, and my choices regarding helping Carleton.
With care, she pleaded that I seek help for Carleton's care. She challenged me with her observations that I was essentially providing hospice care which no one person could do. She called me out on my Superman tendencies (funny, since she is Batman). She shared personal stories of her own hospice experiences with her own Mom and the terrible costs it had to her. She communicated her thoughts, her worry, and yet still did not command, did not intervene, she kept the choices mine. Then, I recieved a call from my brother, who admitted having been in a call with Mom. Mom certainly knows how to get her thoughts across and how to back them up with her own personal lobby.
Last November through e-mail sent by Mom, I learned that my Aunt Edie, matriarch in absence, was headed into comfort care. She had lost recollection of many of my family years ago due to Alzheimer's. Comfort care simply meant her body was at last at an end and they would keep her comfortable as her spirit moved from this plain into heaven.
And, in the same e-mail, another elder of my family was being placed in the hospice support system. Uncle George, or as I had come to consider him, Eternal Man, the Patriarch of the Brown side of the family, the gentlest and perhaps one of the wisest, and certainly the most loved, had been fighting lymphoma. Uncle George had been part of a daring duo, a duo admired by many in our family, that included his ever energetic wife (and my amazing) Aunt Lauretta. I mostly expected Jesus to return to Earth and Uncle George would be here to greet Him.
After several more updates through e-mail, I finally and directly asked my mom about her choice of e-mail to communicate bad news, news of illness and death, and the sharing of personal stories to encourage and cajole. I was curious why she had chosen this form of communication rather than the phone or some other method. Her response was telling and direct. She enjoyed sharing good news with each of her children individually, with our varied responses to that news, where no conflict is expected. Yet, she found that repeating bad news, or revealing personal information, is something she does not like to do, especially three times, especially to her three children, children with great capacities for emotion. Likely, also, three children who can sagely consider what to say but often times will say what comes to mind first. It is her way of providing information that we may or may not want, but that she felt compelled to provide. Yet, it allows us time to gather ourselves, our thoughts, and prepare for interaction.
E-mail, while it does not allow for instant emotional connection does allow her to carefully write her words, consider how we, as children, will respond to the message while providing her the time to get the words on paper as she manages her own emotions. After all, to reach all of us in a timely manner, e-mail is likely most direct since one child lives in a different hemisphere on an unconnected continent and she is never certain how the news will be received and what we will be doing at the time. It is her amazing solution which allows her to remain true to her non-interventionist values while bearing the news she would be expected to provide.
Her reasoning went further. At the point we receive the e-mail, we can do with the information what we will do. Mostly, I have learned, I call back upon receipt of such e-mail to see how Mom is feeling, to glean additional information, and to discuss what steps she will take and how I can assist. I am certain each of us calls her. It is not a question for me. Sometimes, it simply takes us time to respond but Mom.
I have learned, that Mom is patient for the response, unwilling to intervene, expecting that if we need to talk, she will be available simply waiting to be Mom.
