The Pontiff's Principles of Purpose for People of Faith

On February 24^th, news broke of the words shared by the Pope to the new addition of 19 new Cardinals to the College of Cardinals.  I am not catholic nor feel it necessary to research the diversity selection or how each will influence the future of this organization. I do care to share a brief moment on words attributed to the Pope which sparked some time of reflection. 

The Catholic Sun mentioned in the February 24, 2014 publication several portions of his message to the College of Cardinals.  “We love, therefore, those who are hostile to us; we bless those who speak ill of us; we greet with a smile those who may not deserve it,” he said. “We do not aim to assert ourselves; we oppose arrogance with meekness; we forget the humiliations that we have endured.”

Of course there were other words, other values, other messages he verbalized in his message, but those words of value were the values of essential service to others.  These words become focus for all those who follow the Christian faith or aspire to tenants of peace.  These values are certainly not for the weak of heart or those who wish to avoid disappointment.  Nor are these tenants valuable to any who prefer to focus on values of power and wealth.  Truly, these expressed tenants fly in the face, at times, of current thought and the easier paths of retribution, hostility, war, or even influence and popularity.

Personally, it is good to remember that my best efforts in pursuing these tenants may fall short.  In my case, at times it seems too often.  Fortunately, with acknowledgment and repentance, these values provide a metric of true maturity without condemnation.  They become a beacon of how far I must continue to grow.  They do not measure failure, they provide a guide post of success.

It is good to be reminded of values that bring forth peace.  Certainly these goals, spoken by the current Pope, define my ideal of Christian engagement.  Yet, when used as a measure, reminds and humbles me of how far I must continue to grow to achieve its tenants.

These tenants remind me of how imperfect I am and how difficult the road.  Yet without judgment, these tenants continue to encourage me to pursue them, with patience and perseverance.  The benefits of their pursuit include Forgiveness, Peace, Hope, and certainly Love.

After so many strident words from various Christian quarters in the last 25 years, it is good to hear words of admonishment from the Pontiff.  While other parts of his message may cause me pause or concern, it is good to find portions where I can find common ground.  And, in that common ground can grow another value, Hope.

Dylan Farrow Matters Today

I was perusing through news on the internet and was drawn to Huffington Post, as usual.  As I was reading, I ran across an article about recent controversy over the nomination of Woody Allen for his work during his lifetime.

I have not seen much, if any, of Woody Allen's work.  Growing up, it became clear that my mother had no care to see his work.  I simply thought it might have been due to his style, focus, or flair.  Today, after reading Dylan Farrow's letter, perhaps that was not the only reason for my mom's avoidance of his work.

As I began to read the letter from Dylan Farrow, I vaguely remembered from growing up a case that involved Woody Allen.  Dylan Farrow was girlfriend, Mia Farrow's daughter.

Dylan Farrow has written an open letter about her time spent with Woody Allen.  She addressed the experience vividly.  She expressed her frustration, her current emotions, and her regrets.

As I read through the letter, I identified with Dylan.  I am often skeptical about those who mention they were sexually abused.  Sometimes, for me, it does not ring true.  And, certainly, in our society, I have seen the overwhelming assumption of guilt leveled at the accused without consideration that something may be amiss.

I am not skeptical in this case.  I have learned over time that those who have experienced sexual abuse have many of the same issues, feelings, and perspectives.  While some find peace, others do not.  Some forgive, like me, and some wrestle the remainder of their lives with what the predator did.

There, I stated it, subtlety.  Yes, I was sexual abused.  Not just once.  Not by just one.  And, it was over a period of years.  Two separate individuals separated by a three year break over a course of 11 years.

Reading Dylan's letter brought me smack dab into those memories I carefully keep quiet.  The attempt to avoid and hide.  Check.  The acknowledgement of the predator's skills.  Check.  The ability to hide from a watchful mother.  Check.  The feelings of guilt that we did not later pursue and hinder our predator's potential abuse of others.  Check.  The terror of being intimate or close to another male.  Check.  The failed strategies that developed to manage fear and emotions.  Check.  The immediate sense of revulsion when others even casually discuss the topic.  Check.

These were all the same feelings.  There were only two differences between Dylan and me.  I kept secrets that Dylan ultimately did not.

Likewise, I am relieved to have a mother who when she learned about those events from others believed me.  She blamed herself when I knew she could never have known.  She worried about me, not herself, first.  Dylan and I have great Moms.  I have siblings, like Dylan, who when faced with the same information, believed me.

It is the entire story of Dylan that makes me believe her story.  For it resonates wholly with my own.  It is not that someone can describe what happened for anyone can conjure those actions.  It is the consistency within the myriad of emotions which confirm or deny for me the gravity of sexual assault/abuse.

The similarities are striking.  The only difference I see between Dylan and myself is that I determined to forgive those who harmed me and move forward.   Through counseling and my faith based on wholeness, I succeeded in overcoming the damage done by my predators.  For it is not sex that predators damage, it is they take, by force, ourselves, our power, our confidence, our choice.  And there is little physical, and tangible, evidence of their crime.  So, I felt there was little recourse or benefit to pursue any legal action when I finally was old enough, and willing, to address the issue.

Dylan, as an adult,  seeks justice in a court of peers where Woody Allen could face justice.  I can only hope that Hollywood is in session to preside over the proceedings.  Consider this my "friend of the court" brief supporting Dylan.  I could not have offered "proof" of the sexual abuse in my own case.  It is likely that Dylan has only memories as a child to offer as proof as well.

Dylan asked in her open letter what my favorite Woody Allen film was.  I am so glad I can say I don't know one.  I for one, like my Mom, likely will never watch a Woody Allen movie.

A Great Offer to create a Profitable Professional yet Personable Point

I ran across a great deal for professionals within the GSDBA this month.  With branding the buzz in businesses in January and February, what better way to improve your branding than with a photo by a professional photographer.  Stop using your I-phone or webcam.  You can't make your brand explode into profits like Kaleb can.   http://www.kalebscottphotographs.com/index.html

So, he will work a great deal for you.  Buy one, get one for free.  Yet, he works to make both photos you get to use wherever you would like as long as you like with the professionalism and skills only he can provide.  He will simply bring out the fabulousity in you!

His number is at the bottom of the blog.  This financial advisor is certainly taking him up on the offer.  But, then again, I know a great investment when I see one.


New Year - New You - Let’s Go!  

GSDBA 2014 New Year’s Special

Runs thru February 28th

 

5 Reasons For A New Headshot
1)  You’ve changed, show the world.
2)  Your headshot makes a lasting impression.
3)  Keeping up with modern tends shows you’re current.
4)  Change your look for different media.
5)  You’re Awesome and you deserve it!

 

Offer includes:

2 Headshots for the price of 1

•  Outdoor location shoot (Urban - Little Italy or Nature - Balboa Park)
•  2 backgrounds and 2 outfits
•  Pro post-production including editing, color-correction, cropping & retouching
•  Includes "best of" proofs for you to choose 2 favorites for retouching
•  Images emailed to you in both print & internet sizes

$150 (plus tax)

Kaleb at 619-917-9737

kaleb@kalebscottphotographs.com

http://www.kalebscottphotographs.com/index.html

No one is ever too sick to be seen. Unless they are dead.

Today I learned that a friend was denied the opportunity to say goodbye to a friend who was dying.  The family had chosen that no visitors were allowed to see the failing person.  Defending a person's dignity is certainly admirable.  That is certainly the right of any family.  Yet, in that denial of a last goodbye, a last hug, a shared tear, it is rarely considered how important that could be to the one dying or the one who continues to live.

I would like people to consider the grief that others face.  I feel strongly that it is important whether related or not, that all are welcome to reconcile or say good bye before the possibility has passed.  Turning away others in the face of death is not helpful.  It hinders those who will face a similar grief, yet without the last words from the one who brings the grief.

In my own life, I have been turned away because I was not family.  I was not important enough to say goodbye to someone I considered quite close.  It was a terrible blow not to be able to say goodbye to someone who had introduced me to an entire new path before me.  And, it was awful not to be able to comfort or hug a person who I cherished.

 

Last Saturday, I chose to attend a memorial of a friend.   People asked how I knew him or his partner.  I was able to share the impact the person we were honoring had impacted my life.  No one truly knows the impact of another unless they inquire.  I am glad I was invited to attend and meet other grieved attendees.

 
Choices are important when fighting disease.  At the beginning of a diagnosis, it is natural to choose to fight.  It galvanizes you to manage all sorts of impacts that will occur.  It is as the energy is robbed from you and life may feel like it is slipping away when additional choices must be considered.  Those choices are ones both the person fighting and dying must choose as well as those closest to them.

After over a year of fighting disease, I begged Carleton a year before his death that if he was my partner, he had adopted some of my values.  Those values include the idea that when facing disease and death, we fight.  And when we can no longer fight for our lives, we do not simply give up.  We choose to surrender.   Giving up suggests that the only being of importance is you.  Surrendering means you understand the value of others.  Knowing that grief can be overwhelming, the focus of surrender is on negotiating for everyone else affected by your passing.

As I was losing Carleton to his tumors, I determined that each person who wanted to say goodbye would be allowed.  There were so many complicated life events in his life that it was important as his protector that everyone has the chance for reconciliation.  Even if the visit was short, Carleton chose not to turn anyone away. 

As Carleton Cannon faced the reality that he would die, he asked me to reach out to others and call them to him.  He never gave up his fight; he simply began to choose to surrender.  We felt part of the surrender meant that he fought to help everyone who was to live negotiate their own grief through his death.

When we surrender, it means we change our focus from fighting for ourselves and focus on ways to fight for others.  We surrender our lives and we turn to empower others.  Carleton, as he understood he would lose, promptly turned to express his love for his parents, his brother, his family, and his friends.  He understood how deeply grieved people would be in his family.  He was as anguished about their grief as much as facing his own death.  And, through his anguish, and his pain, he communicated as much love, encouragement, and hope as he could for anyone who entered the room.

On his last day, he reached out with his last breath to comfort and console his friends and family, through a myriad of pain killers and continuing pain.  He reminded friends of memories to cherish.  He told family how he felt about them.  He did not withhold an opinion.  Three times on the last day, he made his mother promise to make sure they had enough food at the Memorial Service.  He focused on others in his last few hours.

He was tired of worrying about himself, he had surrendered.  He willingly helped others in the best way he knew to prepare them for their journey of grief; a struggle through which he would not be available to comfort or console.

No Matter How Terrible the Experience, Perspective Can Provide Gifts. Goodbye 2013.

Goodbye 2013.  On this last day of 2013, I am spending time reflecting on a year of loss, leadership, and limits.  2013 was a year that tested my health, my resources, my love, my wisdom, my values, my loyalty, my willingness to lead, care, comfort, and make decisions that impacted others.

Over the last few months, as I have grieved the loss of Carleton while pushing forward to meet the needs of others in other areas of my life, I have begun to appreciate not just how awful 2013 was, or how terrible, or how painful.

I recognize that distance can improve your perspective.  As the distance from the day Carleton died, or that I was required to pursue actions at GSDBA to change its direction, or as I recovered from a health study started the year before that left me physically exhausted, I have found the opportunity to identify things that were provided to me within those terrible events.

In the events which impacted me most in 2013, whether it was with Carleton or in my grief, as I served as Chair of GSDBA, as a Financial Advisor, or faced my own personal health challenges, I discovered friends.  I found friends willing to come alongside me, who chose to listen, to help, to share the burdens I accepted.  They, at times, watched or encouraged, visited me or consoled me.  They gave me a counsel or a hug.  Some simply were patient while others were sympathetic and forgiving.  Friends are those who are understanding and become willing to participate whether they are asked or simply choose to interact.

My family, clients, and friends demonstrated wisdom by reminding me to care for myself, to grieve, to be patient, and to do only what I am able to do.  They demonstrated their love and affection for me.  And, in grief, it is sometimes very hard to remember that people love you.  My friends, even when I felt alone or stayed in my residence to grieve alone, founds way to remind me of their care.

Friends sent notes, e-mails, lunch, even some sent a cleaning service care package.   Yes, this year was brutal to my emotions, but it also demonstrated truth and character.  2013 became a year that tested my mettle, challenged my heart, demanded my answers to the toughest of situations, based solely on the values and understanding I have gleaned throughout my life from my Faith, my Experience, and the Investment of Others.

I had the opportunity to be the person responsible for Carleton's care.  I became his advocate.  I chose to spend time to prepare myself and Carleton for the possibility of his loss in his fight for his health.  I gained not just the honor of his belief in my as his choice for his "pit-bull" of care, but I took seriously what it could mean.  And, ultimately, on his last day, he left to me his last wishes and decisions, and I believe it was the right decision.

 It is terrible to be the one who is faced with making the ultimate decision for someone you love.  Yet, I did not turn from it.  And, ultimately, I was proud that I was witness to his pursuit of surrender and making his passing easier for others as his own life was passing.  His courage was a gift to see.

It is that kind of terrible moment that I was blessed to feel relevant to Carleton.  In Carleton's life, my beliefs and my values were tested.  And, ultimately, though in grief, in pain, exhausted and at times overwhelmed, those beliefs and values supported Carleton and me.  Trust Love (and God), Faith, Hope, Forgive Completely, Truth, Acceptance, Consideration for Others, Love without fear, Comfort, Loyalty.  Those values in practice throughout 2013 demonstrated values worth keeping.

While I faced grief, Carleton gave me more.  Carleton loved me with his entire being. His most awful grief was that he could not be with me longer.  His anger raged at times, but his total pursuit of forgiveness and resolution overwhelmed any harm.  Reflecting on things he said and did continue to amaze me as to his devotion and love for me.  I have come to appreciate his love more only after his loss.  My lack of understanding or appreciating its depth is perhaps the greatest regret I have.

2013 tested the extent of my ability to work with others, serve others, manage a multitude of issues, demands and continue to stay true to my own core values.  Carleton could have become an excuse to retreat from other areas of my life.  I chose not to do so.

My service to clients and my volunteer work at GSDBA became harder in 2013.  With an opportunity to lead GSDBA, issues arose that demanded skills taught by others.  I worked to unite people toward mutually developed goals.  I gained the opportunity to lead decision makers to identify new processes.  I introduced systems which exposed challenges.  Ultimately, I had the opportunity to help leaders in GSDBA make critical and important decisions for the future of the organization and the LGBT Community.

Some of those decisions would have a personal cost.  Yet, in reflecting on this year, that cost paled in comparison the the confidence that the decisions were right, appropriate, and would lead to a stronger organization and community.  Once again, terrible demands tested and confirmed the values, concerns, and passions I pursued.  Keeping the organization, or the community, ahead of one's own interest, ultimately is a core belief of mine that I continue to practice.

So, 2013 was a year of pain, hardship, loss, grief, and challenge.  I am comforted in the reflection that those experiences produced evidence that I have valuable, loyal and cherished friends, beliefs and values worth keeping, and abilities that continue to be useful in service to others professionally, individually, or in the community.

2013 was a year that tested me thoroughly and I am not ashamed with how I responded to its challenges.  I hope peace and joy for your 2014.  And, that should challenges arise, you will find friends, discover your wisdom, and stand strong.

Hello 2014.  I hope for few challenges and a time for me to refresh and renew.  And, to serve those I choose to serve professionally.   May 2014 be productive and profitable where 2013 was terrible and demanding.

Planning Christmas 2013

I have decided to spend Christmas in San Diego.  One reason was not to be the "Debbie Downer" at someone else's Christmas.  Another reason was restart a postponed tradition when I was single.  To invite Christmas Orphans, like me, to dinner.  This year, at Harvey Milk's Diner at 1:00pm Christmas Day.  Let me know if you would like to join me.  So far, there are two of us going.

I will visit Mom for a few days before Christmas in Portland.  Appreciate the colder climate.  See friends in Portland over the weekend before Christmas.  I hope to spend time with friends in Palm Springs after Christmas.  But, on Christmas, for the most part, I will be content to enjoy the Christmas Cookies mom is sending with those who stop by or while I am practicing and reacquainting my fingers with my instrument.. 

I have planned to set aside two hours to open the violin case and begin to practice music that I put aside for the last three years.  I plan on spend two hours on Christmas practicing and reconnecting with the 20 years of violin playing I used to do.  It was something I never did when Carleton was around.  And, he was disappointed I only played for him once.  He did not appreciate that I needed to practice in private.  For, I am a slight perfectionist at some things.  And, to perform, one must practice, alone.  Yet, it is a choice regret I took to heart.  I will not put it off any longer.  I hope to become better prepared to perform when someone simply wishes it.

So, practicing old tunes.  And, recreating a reformatted tradition.  Christmas is a present you can give to family or to others without family.  This year, I hope to have my own full table, at Harvey Milk’s Diner, with those who wish to share it with me.  Feel free to come along.  But, whether you plan to spend Christmas with family or friends, or alone.  Be sure not to spend the entire day by yourself.  Spend at least a couple hours with others.  Or, you simply can spend that time with me, over dinner, at a diner.

A Reflection on Christmas Past

When my mother makes a stocking, she does it for those she loves, or their friends because her family asks.  They are wonderful.  This year she made 12 stockings before she left to see my brother in Australia.  They are intricate, personal and amazingly special for each person who is given one.  Everyone I know who has received one compares the one they received to the ones she makes.  But, we all know we would never give up the one we have.

When my mother makes a Stocking for someone, that person then begins to hope they will be joining her Christmas Cookie List.  I know when I think of my Christmas stocking that her Christmas Cookie Package must be on its way.  Her Christmas Cookies have travelled all over the world to reach relatives and family.  If her Christmas cookies aren't her expression of affection and love, I have no idea what is.  I am looking forward to seeing mom for a few days before Christmas and to spend Christmas Eve with her before she takes me to the airport. 

A year ago, Carleton and I went to my Mom’s in Portland to celebrate Christmas.  Carleton simply wanted to be in Portland for Christmas.  But, I had asked if Mom would make a Christmas stocking for Carleton.  She accepted the task willingly.

When we arrived, Mom had it ready to present.  There had been murmurs amongst my siblings regarding where Carleton’s Stocking would be hung.  Mom surprised all.  My Mom is always practical.  But, sometimes practical makes others emotional.   It was a moment when we both felt part of my family.  My mother placed it in the place where Dad's stocking used to hang.  She was simply being practical, but to Carleton, she was recognizing him as my family.

I so appreciated the gift mom gave Carleton and me.  Carleton loved the stocking and was so proud of it.  Before he could hang it, he insisted on a picture with it.  Mom made sure he carried it with him to bring back to San Diego.  It iscarefully packed away with our Christmas things.

Now, as I consider going through the Christmas boxes, which to date, remain boxed in the closet, I worry and consider what I will do when I stumble upon that stocking.  It has now become a talisman.  A cherished memory of love that will evoke its own emotions when I discover it.  I am prepared to remember, to tear, sob, and grieve.  I am just not sure it will be this year.  I just am not focused on Joy this Christmas.  Though, I do appreciate the Peace that was brought to Earth for which so many worship and celebrate on Christmas Day.

This year, I hope you will spend time with those you love most, and cherish them.  Last Christmas was a dear gift for me.  I hope you will keep Carleton's Family in your thoughts.  I cannot imagine a Christmas without a Child, but please remember that many face that reality this Christmas. 

 Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.”
― Alice Morse Earle

 Enjoy each present with whom you share Christmas.  Life would be harder if you were to have to live with regrets instead of those you love.  So, make memories.  For it will be memories and people who help me through this Christmas.