Goodbye 2013. On this last day of 2013, I am spending time reflecting on a year of loss, leadership, and limits. 2013 was a year that tested my health, my resources, my love, my wisdom, my values, my loyalty, my willingness to lead, care, comfort, and make decisions that impacted others.
Over the last few months, as I have grieved the loss of Carleton while pushing forward to meet the needs of others in other areas of my life, I have begun to appreciate not just how awful 2013 was, or how terrible, or how painful.
I recognize that distance can improve your perspective. As the distance from the day Carleton died, or that I was required to pursue actions at GSDBA to change its direction, or as I recovered from a health study started the year before that left me physically exhausted, I have found the opportunity to identify things that were provided to me within those terrible events.
In the events which impacted me most in 2013, whether it was with Carleton or in my grief, as I served as Chair of GSDBA, as a Financial Advisor, or faced my own personal health challenges, I discovered friends. I found friends willing to come alongside me, who chose to listen, to help, to share the burdens I accepted. They, at times, watched or encouraged, visited me or consoled me. They gave me a counsel or a hug. Some simply were patient while others were sympathetic and forgiving. Friends are those who are understanding and become willing to participate whether they are asked or simply choose to interact.
My family, clients, and friends demonstrated wisdom by reminding me to care for myself, to grieve, to be patient, and to do only what I am able to do. They demonstrated their love and affection for me. And, in grief, it is sometimes very hard to remember that people love you. My friends, even when I felt alone or stayed in my residence to grieve alone, founds way to remind me of their care.
Friends sent notes, e-mails, lunch, even some sent a cleaning service care package. Yes, this year was brutal to my emotions, but it also demonstrated truth and character. 2013 became a year that tested my mettle, challenged my heart, demanded my answers to the toughest of situations, based solely on the values and understanding I have gleaned throughout my life from my Faith, my Experience, and the Investment of Others.
I had the opportunity to be the person responsible for Carleton's care. I became his advocate. I chose to spend time to prepare myself and Carleton for the possibility of his loss in his fight for his health. I gained not just the honor of his belief in my as his choice for his "pit-bull" of care, but I took seriously what it could mean. And, ultimately, on his last day, he left to me his last wishes and decisions, and I believe it was the right decision.
It is terrible to be the one who is faced with making the ultimate decision for someone you love. Yet, I did not turn from it. And, ultimately, I was proud that I was witness to his pursuit of surrender and making his passing easier for others as his own life was passing. His courage was a gift to see.
It is that kind of terrible moment that I was blessed to feel relevant to Carleton. In Carleton's life, my beliefs and my values were tested. And, ultimately, though in grief, in pain, exhausted and at times overwhelmed, those beliefs and values supported Carleton and me. Trust Love (and God), Faith, Hope, Forgive Completely, Truth, Acceptance, Consideration for Others, Love without fear, Comfort, Loyalty. Those values in practice throughout 2013 demonstrated values worth keeping.
While I faced grief, Carleton gave me more. Carleton loved me with his entire being. His most awful grief was that he could not be with me longer. His anger raged at times, but his total pursuit of forgiveness and resolution overwhelmed any harm. Reflecting on things he said and did continue to amaze me as to his devotion and love for me. I have come to appreciate his love more only after his loss. My lack of understanding or appreciating its depth is perhaps the greatest regret I have.
2013 tested the extent of my ability to work with others, serve others, manage a multitude of issues, demands and continue to stay true to my own core values. Carleton could have become an excuse to retreat from other areas of my life. I chose not to do so.
My service to clients and my volunteer work at GSDBA became harder in 2013. With an opportunity to lead GSDBA, issues arose that demanded skills taught by others. I worked to unite people toward mutually developed goals. I gained the opportunity to lead decision makers to identify new processes. I introduced systems which exposed challenges. Ultimately, I had the opportunity to help leaders in GSDBA make critical and important decisions for the future of the organization and the LGBT Community.
Some of those decisions would have a personal cost. Yet, in reflecting on this year, that cost paled in comparison the the confidence that the decisions were right, appropriate, and would lead to a stronger organization and community. Once again, terrible demands tested and confirmed the values, concerns, and passions I pursued. Keeping the organization, or the community, ahead of one's own interest, ultimately is a core belief of mine that I continue to practice.
So, 2013 was a year of pain, hardship, loss, grief, and challenge. I am comforted in the reflection that those experiences produced evidence that I have valuable, loyal and cherished friends, beliefs and values worth keeping, and abilities that continue to be useful in service to others professionally, individually, or in the community.
2013 was a year that tested me thoroughly and I am not ashamed with how I responded to its challenges. I hope peace and joy for your 2014. And, that should challenges arise, you will find friends, discover your wisdom, and stand strong.
Hello 2014. I hope for few challenges and a time for me to refresh and renew. And, to serve those I choose to serve professionally. May 2014 be productive and profitable where 2013 was terrible and demanding.
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