Ethel Merman, Musicals and Passion of the Heart

In my family, being the hostess means something.  My grandmother always prepared what to others might be considered a feast, but to us seemed normal.  Each generation has their host or hostess responsibility, male or female, each has their role.  Perhaps that is why we all enjoy company.

Meals around food.  Always having something to share.  Cookies in the jar, refreshments available.  Gathering for a drink.  Dinner after Church.  Spending time with others but always making other welcome to join the party.  Rubbing elbows, telling stories, encouraging debate and discussion, guiding appropriateness.  Speaking our mind from a place of love and care.  Encouraging others to pursue goals, dreams, and hopes.  Being called the hostess with the mostest is the highest honor. 

Sometimes I toy with the idea of whether Hillary can sing, wing the Presidency and start of her speech by singing the song just to shock the nation into cooperation.  I know I'd vote with her just to see it happen!

Perhaps, I am more like Ethel than I care to admit.  Brash, a song in my step, and somewhat direct.  Comfortable on stage, always passionate in motivating others and ready to go the extra mile to make something work for someone else.  Its important that people achieve what they love, and its amazing when they are honored to have help.
   
Let me share a special memory.  One of the first times that Carleton hung out with me, I already had set in my mind, through Netflix to watch "Call Me Madam".  When he arrived, to his horror, I was presenting only one option, a musical.  Poor boy didn't know what was coming and was considering the alternatives.

Within moments, years after her passing, Ethel had Carleton's attention.  He was moving, enjoying the performance, and even was so engaged, asked to see her perform "Hostest with the Mostest" a second time.  I lauged, but started it the second time.  Just to see whether he would even get up just to join in.  I'll keep the answer a secret.

I have attached two of my favorite songs from musicals.  It is from this very movie.  You may roll your eyes like Carleton did, but maybe like Carleton, within 5 minutes, you will be singing or dancing along with Ethel.  It certainly is  one of his first "favorite moments" and we smile and have even suggested certain nurses at UCSD qualify as the Hostess with the Mostest when he has stayed there. 
 
The second song perhaps defines for me what love is.  Some, at the church where I pastored in Portland will remember Cynthia Butts and I performing "You're Not Sick, Your Just in Love" in a talent show. 

It certainly describes love for many.  It can't be judged, it can only be defined.  How helpful when someone else can help explain the feelings without having to know to whom you have those feelings.

For years, I always sang the part of the junior of the duet.  It seems lately, let's just say, I sing the "older" part.  Likely the other reason at times I identify with the Broadway Lady Herself, Ethel.  Performance, a rhythm in your step, and a song in your heart.  No matter the circumstance, it is a recipe for recovery and facing life's events, no matter how serious.

It still is a relatively current message, as Chenowith and Lane, sing the very same song.  At least, I don't have the velvet gloves.

I am what I am, are you?

This week was a week where we saw terror at a marathon in Boston.  Home to home searches, death, and a government decision to avert due process including Miranda rights.

Many may suggest that this is necessary.  I do not.  I crave and care for the civil rights of all people.  When those civil rights are impacted, out of supposed necessity, I am concerned about what that will do in the future.

So much of the diversity I cherish in America comes from those who are unique, powerful in their own perception of reality.  Minority communities are often marginalized until people from that community refuse any longer to tolerate being anything other than equal.  The Black Community, Women, The LGBT Community, Asians, Hispanics, those from Eastern Europe, from Africa, and those who worship differently. 

The contributions to our culture is imbued with the differences of these communities and their beliefs.  Our music is constantly renewed and reenergized as people hear new sounds, new beats, new ways to hear old souls, old wisdom and old cultures.

Terrorism, bullying, intimidation, control, superiority, power.   All have costs and consequences, all are responses to past hurts and behaviors.  Without an examination of the past, an identification of the issues, an embrace of the mistakes and an appreciation for the soul, these acts will continue.  Manipulation, betrayal, and the belief that one does not have other options lead to this path of destruction that so impacts societies worldwide, further hurting communities dulling many to the horror, inhibiting their abilities toward forgiveness, sympathy and love.

After a terrible week for our nation as we relived terrorism in Boston, while we watched with concern the pursuit of two boys as they killed, I worried.  Will we resolve to expect more terrorism?  Will we search for solutions or accept it into our lives?  Are there alternatives that do not destroy our cherished civil rights as this government the last 12 years, from both political parties, so callously ignore and are unwilling to restore?

Diversity of our minority communities enhance not only our music, but our economy.  The immigration of those who are new to our culture revitalizes our own.  Let us not forget to embrace their courage, their struggle, and the discrimination and possible persecution that would move them to want to start over, flee to our land, or simply want a better life.

I enjoy the authentic Indian food I purchase at the indian outlet in the Mission Valley Mall, Monsoon is a great place for the exploration and enjoyment.  When I want other ethnic food, I explore to my hearts content.

Diversity in our music and our food leads to greater diversity in our economy.  Dollars in the LGBT Community simply for travel grows LGBT Friendly economies significantly.  Forbes Magazine in 2011 reported "10 Things You Need to Know about Gay Travel" listing that over $65 Billion in LGBT travel in the US alone is generated from the LGBT Community.  When it comes to choosing one hotel over another, price and gay-friendly reputation are top priorities.  So, being friendly is important, but more important is that you support the organizations that the community trusts.  It is no surprise that major cities where states accept gay marriage have huge revenue generation in their economies.

Diversity matters.  Americans are proud of their individualism and American minority communities are no different.  They embrace America and its opportunities while appreciating their uniqueness in belief and culture.  Appreciating America in its diversity is the first step to understanding our ability to respond to crisis around the world.  For, it is likely, we identify with someone personally from that area of the world.

At the end of the day, I embrace the diversity of the American culture.  I accept that there are parts I do not appreciate as much as others.  Admittedly, I have said that Rap music has a silent "C" in the name.  I do not enjoy the extremist nature of those who suggest they need uzzies to protect their second amendment rights. 

Yet, I admire the passion, the openness, the courage of those who walk down the street daring others to judge them.  I appreciate the person who "comes out" expecting hate yet surprised at the acceptance.  I am moved by those who unite behind someone who carries the burden of another.  See, ultimately, in our diversity, we face the same struggles for love, acceptance, joy, and the pursuit of happiness.

In an effort to confirm your belief in Diversity, I hope you will share this with others.  And, include the following link, or one similar in your honoring of diversity.  La Cage Aux Folles likely sang it best, though many voices have sung it at the top of their lungs across continents since. 

Let's turn our thoughts to those who embrace the diversity we cherish. Your life is a sham until you can say "Hey, World, I am what I am". Whether you say it as Popeye or as a performer in La Cage Aux Folles, I embrace who I am. I hope you will embrace who you are and enjoy the diversity of differences. 

It certainly makes my world more vibrant. My closest friends are those who are unabashed to be who they are. I trust in their individualism, appreciate their history, their courage, and their power. You may not always think the delivery is perfect, but the pure honesty is what makes it so valuable to me. Care to share your favorite performance of "I am what I am" or what makes you appreciate the differences between you and your friends? Diveristy can unite. What do you appreciate in someone else? Post it here then tell that person. I am what I am, are you?

Denial Frustration and Fear

I admit I am in denial.  Reasonably, I leave that excuse at the door of hope.  After hopeful Chemotherapy results for two consecutive weeks, Carleton and I were thrilled to see him walk without a cane.  Unfortunately, the chemotherapy, while beginning to destroy the cancerous tumors in his body, destroyed the remaining white blood cells available to ward off infection.

On Wednesday, after a visit from Dr. Caperna, at our home, he urged Carleton to seek admission to UCSD Hospital.  We called the Clinic to assist with a direct admit, but since it was so late in the day, 4:00pm, no doctor was available.  Management at the Clinic has now refused to allow Dr. Caperna, a doctor that gladly served there for many years, authority to request a direct admit.  In fact, the several visits he has made to us, personally, we have learned, the Clinic will not process due to the management feeling that it is a competitive threat to have Dr. Caperna provide home health visits or assist with case management.   But, I digress.

After the hour of unsuccessful attempts to reach the primary doctor at Owen, or the Cancer Doctor for his care, no nurse was able to provide a direct admit.  So, Carleton and I ventured to the UCSD Emergency room to wait for admittance, knowing he had no immune system to ward off infection.  Were it not for the advocacy of Dr. Caperna to alert Emergency Room doctors of our arrival, it may have been longer.  Instead, Carleton was admitted in less than 30 minutes.

Nurse Robin, after the initial visit by the doctor (one of three), began accessing the port Carleton had for the chemotherapy, using it to access blood and place antibiotics.  She then started an secondary location for an IV, to provide further antibiotics.  Soon, a Christmas tree of bags was flowing into Carleton.  Though, due to the number, there was conversation with pharmacy about what combinations could go together appropriately.

Two doctors then arrived, tall and masked, to ask Carleton questions, and ultimately if his lungs should fail, if they could put a tube down his throat.  Secondarily, they asked, should his heart stop, not they expected this to happen in the next few hours, what were his wishes around resuscitation. 

Normal questions, I’m sure.  In fact, we have a DNR statement.  But, to hear two doctors ask it the way they did cause me to lose what little of a poker face I can manage in an emergency room.  Carleton freaked, naturally feeling panicked and unsure of what he wished.   Fortunately, Nurse Robin said he had time to make his decision.  We talked.  Knowing all that had been going on, his single concise thought was expressing his biggest worry of being a burden on me.    

I stayed for 6 hours, standing on my feet, or should I say, swaying on my feet.  I have had limited hours of sleep for months unless I crash sleep to catch up.  Carleton’s brother Brad showed up a few hours later, joining us in the tiny room in Emergency, while we waited for a room at UCSD.  At 230am, Brad walked me to the car, I gave him some things for Carleton, and he questioned how I kept moving, working, volunteering, while having my own personal challenge that was just finished.  I smiled and told him Carleton thought I was a super hero.  And, frankly, I like that concept, so why not encourage it?

Fast forward two days.  I had spent most of Thursday, arriving late in the morning, to a small army of medical professionals just leaving Carleton’s room.  He had an anxiety attack when he awoke to 8 doctors surrounding his bed.  Wouldn’t you?   Most of that day, I spent in the room except to steal away for a Chocolate Shake delivered by Marci Bair.  Amazingly, she agrees with me that a chocolate shake is not complete without fries.  My personal belief is that together they make a complex protein, but don’t quote me.

Friday Carleton was given more news.  There were some areas of improvement, some areas of discovery, and no areas of good news.  Carleton and I have one area of major agreement.  We are stunned by the set back.  We had thought things were headed up, better, he was doing so much better before Wednesday.

Saturday, Carleton requested repeatedly to anyone who entered the room that he wished to go home.  He wished to sleep in our bed.  Tied to so many lines of antibiotics, he had to call a nurse to go to the toilet.  He felt humiliation and frustration.  At 3pm, I arrived at the hospital, his Dad and his brother in the room.  He begged all three of us to break him out.  I think my line will famously be “not today”.  In that statement, his Dad and brother quietly agreed. 

Not today.  I do not know if you understood that term, but to me, it is a heart breaking statement.  For “not today” means that staying in the hospital means there is still hope.  If I were to agree to take on the medical establishment and take Carleton home, it would mean there was no longer hope, in my mind.

He yelled at us in frustration.  He cried, he was in pain, discomfort, from some lesions, from spots where there was infection.  The Earth was warring against his body and his body has no immune system, just a Christmas Tree of Antibiotics.  Gowned as we all were, he sat up, reached his arms toward me, choosing me.  From the end of the bed, I bent over, held him, he sobbed, then gave up his requests to be freed and fell into a deep sleep.  I think he just needed us to know his frustration at the betrayal.  The betrayal of his body, the betrayal of his independence, the betrayal of our collective ability to let him be anywhere but where he is now.

His dad and I left together.  We quietly walked through the hospital.  He asked how business was.  I was honest, overwhelmed with the competing demands of Carleton.  He laughed.  Him too.  We expressed our mutual quiet anger over the situation.  We worried together about what next steps might be necessary.  Needless to say, I called Mom.  I needed a dose of my reality and Mom is certainly someone who, like me, tells the truth, acknowledges the emotions, she honors the emotions, keeping them safe between us.  As we talked, I realized that Carleton chose me of the three men in his life.  And, his family has recognized me as his.  And, I was grieving that this was not very fair.

I returned later Saturday evening, to hang with Carleton, alone.  At one point, we relaxed next to each other.  Not comfortably, since there were a myriad of plastic hoses I feared I would hinder, pull or bend.  And, after more reports of infections that could be addressed by antibiotics, Carleton whispered two words.  “I’m scared.”  He just doesn’t think he is lucky twice and he pulled this off last July.

I hugged him.  We cried.  See, I’m not scared.  And, on one thing, I disagree with Carleton.  He is lucky.  And, his luck will never run out.  Not for Carleton and not for me.  He has hope.  He has me.  He has a family that cares.  And, no matter what happens, we will be there.   And, that is one thing that denial never can destroy.

 

Facebook quandary when your boyfriend's mother wants in.

I have a fear.  It is a fear of family.   That isn’t to say that I reject the concept.  I love the Appleton family with its diverse and rich stories, the family reunions and the traditions each of the Appleton subsets create. 

The Brown family, with all of its conversations, drama, and passion are an entirely different family culture, and one that I appreciate as well.  Though, at times, I wonder how my mother and father maneuvered the waters between those two cultures of family, I represent much of both.

And, it is with great fear, that I have been introduced to a third family by Carleton.  I have stood at a distance, over more than two years, after several invites.  I have attended Christmas Dinner and learned about an entirely different set of rules.  I have met the entire family, at one sitting, which is simply not possible in an Appleton or Brown world.  Yet, I offered my own set of rules in exchange and met some wonderful people in their family.  I love their grandma who is in her 80’s simply because of her affection for Carleton.  And, I appreciate the small family of Carleton’s who is now facing the crisis he lives today.

See, I have a healthy respect, even love, for family.  But, Linda, Carleton’s mom, just asked to be invited to my Facebook.  Is she crazy?  Most of my own family would prefer not having to feel obligated to be member of my Facebook.  Yet, without at least one representative from each family keeping tabs on me, how else would they get information about how I am doing, what crusade I am on, or how everyone else is doing?   You forget an important construct of the Appleton family.  The phone is a tool that rings, they aren’t normally aware of how to use the numerical buttons on it.  Well, except Aunt Doris.  But, she is in her 80’s. 

Yet, why does Linda want to be my “friend” on Facebook?  My first worry was whether to call her to ask her if she personally had become TOTALLY INSANE?  I realized that would be met with chuckles from the males in her family, including Carleton.  And, I have had several serious discussions with Carleton already about his tone, conversation, and interaction with his mom. 

My second idea was to perhaps “edit” her experience initially with my Facebook.  For a brief moment I considered it.  Before I laughed hilariously as reality swept back into that temporary fantasy land I created where I withhold my opinion, avoid making sweeping generalizations, avoid a humorous comment where someone finds offense, or where I do not raise issues of concern, daily. 

My third choice was simply, and quietly, to ignore the request.  Right, that would work.  Just like that would work in my family.  “You accepted so and so, why aren’t you accepting my request”.   My food might be poisoned.  Or, worse, the grapes she brings when she brings Gatorade for Carleton would stop arriving.

So, ultimately, I will quietly (well as quietly as I am capable of) accept Linda into my Facebook family.  Yet, that acceptance is with two caveats, for Linda.   First, I reject the idea that Facebook or any other forum is to be censored for the person who is being represented in that forum.  Secondly, after acceptance, I have been told by my sister, editing options are available to “protect” those who have willingly joined my Facebook then determine to move Facebook issues to family events.  Because, I learned long ago, politics before Apple Pie just ruins Mom’s day.

So, as I reminded all of you when Mom joined Facebook.  Mind your P's and Q's!    You can always send me a personal question directly without posting it on Facebook for the "Mom's" to see.

A Personal Note for Linda

Welcome Linda Cannon, to my Facebook Page.  In advance, please note that I have been working for equality for women, minorities, and the LGBT Community specifically since before 1990.  On women’s issues, I tend to be irritably strident and on LGBT Community issues, I rarely will accept anything less than equality for all.

You may want to temper and adjust your receipt of my Facebook postings, since I will post anything I find funny, of concern, or an issue that I find of importance.  This may include racy or political topics. 

Currently, I am the Chair of the GSDBA, I post many of their events to invite those who are my friends to join me there.

I hope you will enjoy your stroll into my world.  It is a world where crazy meets compassion.  There are few topics that I won’t venture to have an opinion, for instances, what color napkins to have for a luncheon.   Feel free to review my tirades on gun violence or attacks on gay youth, because I consider all gay youth my children.  You will see notes from friends I have had for 20 plus years. 

This certainly is one facet of my brain, exposed, for you to learn how I function.  Already, you will note how I serve, care, and function around Carleton.  And, currently, you have not weighed in and I would be a fool to inquire as to your opinion.

 

The Role of Music, Leonard Bernstein, America, and Immigration

There are few things I would like to be other than what I am.  Years ago, I decided not to pursue music as my career.  Few see me dance publically any more.  I am rarely without a song playing in my head or a song being hummed, whistled or sung on my lips.  I thank God every day for parents who encouraged singing and pursuing music.  I am forever thankful to an Aunt who forced me into choirs, a school that offered orchestra, and a church where I could sing all kinds of music.  I loved performing in musicals, performing in choirs, and performing in concert whether in a symphony or chorus.  I worry daily about the course of America without music in its schools for many reasons I will not pursue today.

I secretly crave only two goals in life.  I would love to direct a symphony.  The other skill?  Be able to create and direct with the skill of Leonard Bernstein or Stephen Sondheim.  Their abilities to provide comment on current events or the human condition defies imagination.  Eloquently, musically and with an uncanny ability to engage everyone while everyone joins in song.  Their abilities to examine reality and remind us of our humanity while encouraging a change in beliefs are masterful.  They expressed hope, demanded forgiveness, proclaimed diversity over adversity and their words continue to challenge current thought in the process.  They were able to accomplish these goals while creating masterful new and amazing compositions in music, putting words and music together that sear into our brains, demanding instant recall whenever a portion of a song is performed.  Their ability to create these orchestrations to international acclaim continues well after they no longer personally comment.

Instead, my own comments are simply comment.  I am limited to discourse.  I can pursue with words and my limited ability to masterfully use vocabulary to convey my opinion and values.  No ability to write music, add verbiage, then through the combination, herald change that everyone within hearing begin to respond to in song or in step.  I add one voice for change, for tolerance, for inclusion, for hope, for forgiveness, for the values I believe America represents - Freedom, Justice, Inclusion, and many, many more positive values.  I would love for it to be more like Bernstein.

Like Leonard Bernstein, I care about America and its inclusion and treatment of those who come to Ameria or want to come to America.  Today, we continue, as a nation to argue about the value of immigration, treating those who crave to be first generation Americans as suspect and possibly unworthy.  With economic challenges, we worry about the economics of scarcity rather than abundance.  Yet, from all areas of the Globe, people hunger for the potential they can achieve.  In America, we provide the best hope for those achievements.  Our focus on individual freedom balanced with our belief in community defies government after government, creating the strongest nation in the World.

Many in different lands hope to live in America, not the place, but a place with those values..  Perhaps we do live in the greatest place on Earth despite the political divisions and challenges, the defined discrimination of others and the outright denial of benefits of some in our society.

One day, certainly as Bernstein would wish, I look forward to a day where we harmoniously sing and dance, providing new songs for all Americans.  An America where we joyously sing while providing opportunity for those who want to be Americans to join us on stage to perform as enthusiastically those songs and dances without restraint.  It is far better for us to do so than keeping them behind the curtains, in the dark, praying we will one day do just that.

In West Side Story, Bernstein showed us the challenges of living in America, discussing gangs, and renewing a focus on the frustrations of living in a society of tension, hatred where love often is destroyed through gun violence.  Leonard Bernstein projected this thought many years ago with Glee replaying it for a new generation of Americans.  I join with Bernstein and (Glee's America performance), hoping people continue to join the chorus to welcome immigrants to America, on stage, in harmony, encouraging them to learn the dances, add their accents, their values, so they too can live in America.  I hope you will join me in singing along, dancing, and urging these changes.

The Supreme Court, DOMA, and GSDBA. Oh My!

For over 20 years, I have been a member of LGBT Chambers of Commerce working to convince businesses large and small about the impact of discrimination to their businesses.

Today, I stand in appreciation of efforts nationwide by many who have tirelessly and consistently worked toward the same goals. Workplace equality, tax equity, reduced discrimination, a healthier work environment, with benefits to those businesses who pursue these goals.

These business have benefited from a larger talent pool attracted to them, a loyal and appreciative market segment, and more profitable bottom lines are only some of the benefits of inclusion and the pursuit of equality for all by Corporate America.

Nearly 300 companies have filed a brief arguing that the law — called DOMA for short — hits them where it counts: their bottom lines. This was reported by NPR .

Today's public support by corporations and chambers opposing DOMA is clearly a result of those in Chambers of Commerces just like GSDBA all over the country. It is a reward from efforts of employees in large corporations, including many Employee Resource Groups, individual employees, professionals, and business owners pursuing equality where they work, challenging discrimination, coming out, being talented, pushing for workplace equality, education others in their place of businesses, and supporting organizations like GSDBA.

When someone asks me why I belong to GSDBA and other LGBT Chambers, I tell them it is because we are the only Chambers who work for LGBT values with a goal of stronger business in the community. Today, the work continues to be recognized but our purpose does not change.  GSDBA is leading efforts in many areas of business to support those who want equality where they work.

The value of being a member of GSDBA should not be measured solely on what individual benefit a member receives each year. The value of membership in GSDBA is a more vibrant LGBT Community, more financially successful LGBT individuals in the community, a thriving community for financial support and networks, places of business where LGBT individuals are treated with dignity and equality, where big business can seek strong supplier diversity channels that include LGBT resource businesses, where businesses can learn and develop workplace equality, address areas of discrimination, and develop understanding of how to benefit from our loyal LGBT community consumers.

The benefit of being a member of GSDBA is certainly enhanced by being visible in a Directory that reaches thousands, but the essence of the value of membership results from our achievements large and small. Those achievements can be simply educating new LGBT members on successful marketing but can be as significant as convincing large businesses to sit around a table and institute transgender health benefits.

GSDBA is more than an organization that publishes a valuable directory of services provided by GSDBA members in our community. GSDBA works to support LGBT business owners and LGBT professionals in areas of advocacy, marketing, business development, and so much more. GSDBA members join together to meet, learn, lobby, educate, organize and lead a transformation for the betterment of the LGBT community and businesses themselves.

Today, when an Amicus Brief of nearly 300 businesses and business organizations opposing DOMA from across America to the Supreme Court, we affirm our value to the LGBT Community and our members.

For those who are members of the GSDBA, today is a fabulous day to celebrate. For those who are professionals and business owners but are not, now is the time. Being part of a Chamber so relevant to today is certainly the place to be. We are committed to equality, to our LGBT communities, and to business where everyone can pursue a future that is profitable for all who care about equality.

GSDBA has been working since 1979 for LGBT inclusion, Equality in the workplace, and a financial strong LGBT community. We will keep on working. The benefits continue to build. Join the Chamber. Enjoy the results. Remember membership has its privileges. Certainly today is one of them.

And, at this Chamber, I couldn't pass up including an anthem Will you join in our crusade for equality?

Control or Serve, Your Choice

Many friends have asked how I have been doing, how well Carleton is coping in his health fight, and how I can continue to do all I do at work, volunteering, and at home.  The answers are simple.  I make choices and I stick to them, no matter the cost. 

This week Carleton reacted on Monday to the Chemo, with allergic reactions that made him turn red and begin to inhibit his breathing.  It was horrifying to watch as he reached out a hand to grab me, but I had to leap out of the way to allow nurses to get oxygen to him along with medication to counter act it.

Only a few days later, they tried a different Chemo.  By Sunday, he was suffering many of the side effects, from his Chemo just hours after I finished participating in a West Business Alliance meeting for GSDBA.  And, that conference was after a full week of client work and Carleton’s doctor visits. 

His suffering will impact my sleep, impact my schedule, impact my work, and impacts my life.  But, Carleton simply is family.  And, family impacts your life.  The current misery, the hot and cold flashes, the weakness Carleton feels, the vomiting, the inability to do what he enjoys or what needs to be done, it impacts.  Enduring his fury and hurt when he learned that I knew of additional side effects he will face shortly, but let him learn of them on his own because I am already forcing him to do what is necessary.  My vanity is my hair, I could not bear to tell someone else they would lose theirs.  The one benefit gained from this weekend?  I no longer vomit sympathetically!

In the last couple of months, as my energy wanes, and my strength is challenged, friends raise concerns and ask my why and how I do what I do.  It is simple, really.  What sustains my energy is my faith that I do not have to be in control, I simply do what I have chosen to do for many years.  I serve.  I have served clients for 20 years, my community for longer, and I have found ways to serve in my own family in many ways.  When life is tough, and right now it certainly is, you simply continue to do what you do best.  And, what I do best is serve. 

My mom and dad certainly taught me this example, even when they faced their own health crises.  Their example, and others, taught me that I will be frustrated if I need to be in control.  I will be angry if I need everything to be perfect.  I will be resentful if I expect a life without adversity.  Yet, they also taught me, by example, to serve.  And, that when serving, there is no need to control.  In the end, I am not in control, my Creator is.  My choice is to fight, to serve or to curl up in a ball in a corner.  And, sometimes, fortunately, that decision isn't mine either.

Thank you to those who have been checking in and to those who have called or e-mailed.  Most especially, thank you to those who have acknowledged my current challenges and yet were just your usual selves. 

I have found that when people are generally nicer or gentler, expressing concern or worry, or overwhelmingly generous, that is usually the moment when an Appleton (my mom's side of the family) will begin to weep.  We joke of the family rule.  When terrible things occur, we manage.  But, don't be too nice to us for we may fall apart at the seams.

Perhaps it is that unexpected surprise expression of generosity or sympathy, that hug or that tear begging to escape from someone else’s eye that for a moment someone else’s perspective shows me how terrible the cost, how responsible the role, how overwhelming the situation may be.  Fortunately, I simply serve, as I am able.  I certainly worry; fret, stress, and I can do a lot of stressing.  None of these choices change the situation.  And, in many cases, no action on my part alone will change an outcome.  But, the concern and care of others unravels me, shows me their value of me for a moment, their sympathy for the situation.  I see my value for a moment to someone else.   

It is certainly a loving reprieve in trying circumstances.   I may even fall to pieces.  Those emotions of worry, woe and concern unleash my very heart and its frustrating need for control, my belief that I know what is fair, and my desire to fix what is wrong, my way.  Yet, when I put myself back together, I return to the role I love.  Not because it’s easy.  It isn’t.  It is what I choose.  I love to serve especially when life may become overwhelming and certainly when those I serve, I choose to love.