Control or Serve, Your Choice

Many friends have asked how I have been doing, how well Carleton is coping in his health fight, and how I can continue to do all I do at work, volunteering, and at home.  The answers are simple.  I make choices and I stick to them, no matter the cost. 

This week Carleton reacted on Monday to the Chemo, with allergic reactions that made him turn red and begin to inhibit his breathing.  It was horrifying to watch as he reached out a hand to grab me, but I had to leap out of the way to allow nurses to get oxygen to him along with medication to counter act it.

Only a few days later, they tried a different Chemo.  By Sunday, he was suffering many of the side effects, from his Chemo just hours after I finished participating in a West Business Alliance meeting for GSDBA.  And, that conference was after a full week of client work and Carleton’s doctor visits. 

His suffering will impact my sleep, impact my schedule, impact my work, and impacts my life.  But, Carleton simply is family.  And, family impacts your life.  The current misery, the hot and cold flashes, the weakness Carleton feels, the vomiting, the inability to do what he enjoys or what needs to be done, it impacts.  Enduring his fury and hurt when he learned that I knew of additional side effects he will face shortly, but let him learn of them on his own because I am already forcing him to do what is necessary.  My vanity is my hair, I could not bear to tell someone else they would lose theirs.  The one benefit gained from this weekend?  I no longer vomit sympathetically!

In the last couple of months, as my energy wanes, and my strength is challenged, friends raise concerns and ask my why and how I do what I do.  It is simple, really.  What sustains my energy is my faith that I do not have to be in control, I simply do what I have chosen to do for many years.  I serve.  I have served clients for 20 years, my community for longer, and I have found ways to serve in my own family in many ways.  When life is tough, and right now it certainly is, you simply continue to do what you do best.  And, what I do best is serve. 

My mom and dad certainly taught me this example, even when they faced their own health crises.  Their example, and others, taught me that I will be frustrated if I need to be in control.  I will be angry if I need everything to be perfect.  I will be resentful if I expect a life without adversity.  Yet, they also taught me, by example, to serve.  And, that when serving, there is no need to control.  In the end, I am not in control, my Creator is.  My choice is to fight, to serve or to curl up in a ball in a corner.  And, sometimes, fortunately, that decision isn't mine either.

Thank you to those who have been checking in and to those who have called or e-mailed.  Most especially, thank you to those who have acknowledged my current challenges and yet were just your usual selves. 

I have found that when people are generally nicer or gentler, expressing concern or worry, or overwhelmingly generous, that is usually the moment when an Appleton (my mom's side of the family) will begin to weep.  We joke of the family rule.  When terrible things occur, we manage.  But, don't be too nice to us for we may fall apart at the seams.

Perhaps it is that unexpected surprise expression of generosity or sympathy, that hug or that tear begging to escape from someone else’s eye that for a moment someone else’s perspective shows me how terrible the cost, how responsible the role, how overwhelming the situation may be.  Fortunately, I simply serve, as I am able.  I certainly worry; fret, stress, and I can do a lot of stressing.  None of these choices change the situation.  And, in many cases, no action on my part alone will change an outcome.  But, the concern and care of others unravels me, shows me their value of me for a moment, their sympathy for the situation.  I see my value for a moment to someone else.   

It is certainly a loving reprieve in trying circumstances.   I may even fall to pieces.  Those emotions of worry, woe and concern unleash my very heart and its frustrating need for control, my belief that I know what is fair, and my desire to fix what is wrong, my way.  Yet, when I put myself back together, I return to the role I love.  Not because it’s easy.  It isn’t.  It is what I choose.  I love to serve especially when life may become overwhelming and certainly when those I serve, I choose to love.