A Great Offer to create a Profitable Professional yet Personable Point

I ran across a great deal for professionals within the GSDBA this month.  With branding the buzz in businesses in January and February, what better way to improve your branding than with a photo by a professional photographer.  Stop using your I-phone or webcam.  You can't make your brand explode into profits like Kaleb can.   http://www.kalebscottphotographs.com/index.html

So, he will work a great deal for you.  Buy one, get one for free.  Yet, he works to make both photos you get to use wherever you would like as long as you like with the professionalism and skills only he can provide.  He will simply bring out the fabulousity in you!

His number is at the bottom of the blog.  This financial advisor is certainly taking him up on the offer.  But, then again, I know a great investment when I see one.


New Year - New You - Let’s Go!  

GSDBA 2014 New Year’s Special

Runs thru February 28th

 

5 Reasons For A New Headshot
1)  You’ve changed, show the world.
2)  Your headshot makes a lasting impression.
3)  Keeping up with modern tends shows you’re current.
4)  Change your look for different media.
5)  You’re Awesome and you deserve it!

 

Offer includes:

2 Headshots for the price of 1

•  Outdoor location shoot (Urban - Little Italy or Nature - Balboa Park)
•  2 backgrounds and 2 outfits
•  Pro post-production including editing, color-correction, cropping & retouching
•  Includes "best of" proofs for you to choose 2 favorites for retouching
•  Images emailed to you in both print & internet sizes

$150 (plus tax)

Kaleb at 619-917-9737

kaleb@kalebscottphotographs.com

http://www.kalebscottphotographs.com/index.html

No one is ever too sick to be seen. Unless they are dead.

Today I learned that a friend was denied the opportunity to say goodbye to a friend who was dying.  The family had chosen that no visitors were allowed to see the failing person.  Defending a person's dignity is certainly admirable.  That is certainly the right of any family.  Yet, in that denial of a last goodbye, a last hug, a shared tear, it is rarely considered how important that could be to the one dying or the one who continues to live.

I would like people to consider the grief that others face.  I feel strongly that it is important whether related or not, that all are welcome to reconcile or say good bye before the possibility has passed.  Turning away others in the face of death is not helpful.  It hinders those who will face a similar grief, yet without the last words from the one who brings the grief.

In my own life, I have been turned away because I was not family.  I was not important enough to say goodbye to someone I considered quite close.  It was a terrible blow not to be able to say goodbye to someone who had introduced me to an entire new path before me.  And, it was awful not to be able to comfort or hug a person who I cherished.

 

Last Saturday, I chose to attend a memorial of a friend.   People asked how I knew him or his partner.  I was able to share the impact the person we were honoring had impacted my life.  No one truly knows the impact of another unless they inquire.  I am glad I was invited to attend and meet other grieved attendees.

 
Choices are important when fighting disease.  At the beginning of a diagnosis, it is natural to choose to fight.  It galvanizes you to manage all sorts of impacts that will occur.  It is as the energy is robbed from you and life may feel like it is slipping away when additional choices must be considered.  Those choices are ones both the person fighting and dying must choose as well as those closest to them.

After over a year of fighting disease, I begged Carleton a year before his death that if he was my partner, he had adopted some of my values.  Those values include the idea that when facing disease and death, we fight.  And when we can no longer fight for our lives, we do not simply give up.  We choose to surrender.   Giving up suggests that the only being of importance is you.  Surrendering means you understand the value of others.  Knowing that grief can be overwhelming, the focus of surrender is on negotiating for everyone else affected by your passing.

As I was losing Carleton to his tumors, I determined that each person who wanted to say goodbye would be allowed.  There were so many complicated life events in his life that it was important as his protector that everyone has the chance for reconciliation.  Even if the visit was short, Carleton chose not to turn anyone away. 

As Carleton Cannon faced the reality that he would die, he asked me to reach out to others and call them to him.  He never gave up his fight; he simply began to choose to surrender.  We felt part of the surrender meant that he fought to help everyone who was to live negotiate their own grief through his death.

When we surrender, it means we change our focus from fighting for ourselves and focus on ways to fight for others.  We surrender our lives and we turn to empower others.  Carleton, as he understood he would lose, promptly turned to express his love for his parents, his brother, his family, and his friends.  He understood how deeply grieved people would be in his family.  He was as anguished about their grief as much as facing his own death.  And, through his anguish, and his pain, he communicated as much love, encouragement, and hope as he could for anyone who entered the room.

On his last day, he reached out with his last breath to comfort and console his friends and family, through a myriad of pain killers and continuing pain.  He reminded friends of memories to cherish.  He told family how he felt about them.  He did not withhold an opinion.  Three times on the last day, he made his mother promise to make sure they had enough food at the Memorial Service.  He focused on others in his last few hours.

He was tired of worrying about himself, he had surrendered.  He willingly helped others in the best way he knew to prepare them for their journey of grief; a struggle through which he would not be available to comfort or console.

No Matter How Terrible the Experience, Perspective Can Provide Gifts. Goodbye 2013.

Goodbye 2013.  On this last day of 2013, I am spending time reflecting on a year of loss, leadership, and limits.  2013 was a year that tested my health, my resources, my love, my wisdom, my values, my loyalty, my willingness to lead, care, comfort, and make decisions that impacted others.

Over the last few months, as I have grieved the loss of Carleton while pushing forward to meet the needs of others in other areas of my life, I have begun to appreciate not just how awful 2013 was, or how terrible, or how painful.

I recognize that distance can improve your perspective.  As the distance from the day Carleton died, or that I was required to pursue actions at GSDBA to change its direction, or as I recovered from a health study started the year before that left me physically exhausted, I have found the opportunity to identify things that were provided to me within those terrible events.

In the events which impacted me most in 2013, whether it was with Carleton or in my grief, as I served as Chair of GSDBA, as a Financial Advisor, or faced my own personal health challenges, I discovered friends.  I found friends willing to come alongside me, who chose to listen, to help, to share the burdens I accepted.  They, at times, watched or encouraged, visited me or consoled me.  They gave me a counsel or a hug.  Some simply were patient while others were sympathetic and forgiving.  Friends are those who are understanding and become willing to participate whether they are asked or simply choose to interact.

My family, clients, and friends demonstrated wisdom by reminding me to care for myself, to grieve, to be patient, and to do only what I am able to do.  They demonstrated their love and affection for me.  And, in grief, it is sometimes very hard to remember that people love you.  My friends, even when I felt alone or stayed in my residence to grieve alone, founds way to remind me of their care.

Friends sent notes, e-mails, lunch, even some sent a cleaning service care package.   Yes, this year was brutal to my emotions, but it also demonstrated truth and character.  2013 became a year that tested my mettle, challenged my heart, demanded my answers to the toughest of situations, based solely on the values and understanding I have gleaned throughout my life from my Faith, my Experience, and the Investment of Others.

I had the opportunity to be the person responsible for Carleton's care.  I became his advocate.  I chose to spend time to prepare myself and Carleton for the possibility of his loss in his fight for his health.  I gained not just the honor of his belief in my as his choice for his "pit-bull" of care, but I took seriously what it could mean.  And, ultimately, on his last day, he left to me his last wishes and decisions, and I believe it was the right decision.

 It is terrible to be the one who is faced with making the ultimate decision for someone you love.  Yet, I did not turn from it.  And, ultimately, I was proud that I was witness to his pursuit of surrender and making his passing easier for others as his own life was passing.  His courage was a gift to see.

It is that kind of terrible moment that I was blessed to feel relevant to Carleton.  In Carleton's life, my beliefs and my values were tested.  And, ultimately, though in grief, in pain, exhausted and at times overwhelmed, those beliefs and values supported Carleton and me.  Trust Love (and God), Faith, Hope, Forgive Completely, Truth, Acceptance, Consideration for Others, Love without fear, Comfort, Loyalty.  Those values in practice throughout 2013 demonstrated values worth keeping.

While I faced grief, Carleton gave me more.  Carleton loved me with his entire being. His most awful grief was that he could not be with me longer.  His anger raged at times, but his total pursuit of forgiveness and resolution overwhelmed any harm.  Reflecting on things he said and did continue to amaze me as to his devotion and love for me.  I have come to appreciate his love more only after his loss.  My lack of understanding or appreciating its depth is perhaps the greatest regret I have.

2013 tested the extent of my ability to work with others, serve others, manage a multitude of issues, demands and continue to stay true to my own core values.  Carleton could have become an excuse to retreat from other areas of my life.  I chose not to do so.

My service to clients and my volunteer work at GSDBA became harder in 2013.  With an opportunity to lead GSDBA, issues arose that demanded skills taught by others.  I worked to unite people toward mutually developed goals.  I gained the opportunity to lead decision makers to identify new processes.  I introduced systems which exposed challenges.  Ultimately, I had the opportunity to help leaders in GSDBA make critical and important decisions for the future of the organization and the LGBT Community.

Some of those decisions would have a personal cost.  Yet, in reflecting on this year, that cost paled in comparison the the confidence that the decisions were right, appropriate, and would lead to a stronger organization and community.  Once again, terrible demands tested and confirmed the values, concerns, and passions I pursued.  Keeping the organization, or the community, ahead of one's own interest, ultimately is a core belief of mine that I continue to practice.

So, 2013 was a year of pain, hardship, loss, grief, and challenge.  I am comforted in the reflection that those experiences produced evidence that I have valuable, loyal and cherished friends, beliefs and values worth keeping, and abilities that continue to be useful in service to others professionally, individually, or in the community.

2013 was a year that tested me thoroughly and I am not ashamed with how I responded to its challenges.  I hope peace and joy for your 2014.  And, that should challenges arise, you will find friends, discover your wisdom, and stand strong.

Hello 2014.  I hope for few challenges and a time for me to refresh and renew.  And, to serve those I choose to serve professionally.   May 2014 be productive and profitable where 2013 was terrible and demanding.

Planning Christmas 2013

I have decided to spend Christmas in San Diego.  One reason was not to be the "Debbie Downer" at someone else's Christmas.  Another reason was restart a postponed tradition when I was single.  To invite Christmas Orphans, like me, to dinner.  This year, at Harvey Milk's Diner at 1:00pm Christmas Day.  Let me know if you would like to join me.  So far, there are two of us going.

I will visit Mom for a few days before Christmas in Portland.  Appreciate the colder climate.  See friends in Portland over the weekend before Christmas.  I hope to spend time with friends in Palm Springs after Christmas.  But, on Christmas, for the most part, I will be content to enjoy the Christmas Cookies mom is sending with those who stop by or while I am practicing and reacquainting my fingers with my instrument.. 

I have planned to set aside two hours to open the violin case and begin to practice music that I put aside for the last three years.  I plan on spend two hours on Christmas practicing and reconnecting with the 20 years of violin playing I used to do.  It was something I never did when Carleton was around.  And, he was disappointed I only played for him once.  He did not appreciate that I needed to practice in private.  For, I am a slight perfectionist at some things.  And, to perform, one must practice, alone.  Yet, it is a choice regret I took to heart.  I will not put it off any longer.  I hope to become better prepared to perform when someone simply wishes it.

So, practicing old tunes.  And, recreating a reformatted tradition.  Christmas is a present you can give to family or to others without family.  This year, I hope to have my own full table, at Harvey Milk’s Diner, with those who wish to share it with me.  Feel free to come along.  But, whether you plan to spend Christmas with family or friends, or alone.  Be sure not to spend the entire day by yourself.  Spend at least a couple hours with others.  Or, you simply can spend that time with me, over dinner, at a diner.

A Reflection on Christmas Past

When my mother makes a stocking, she does it for those she loves, or their friends because her family asks.  They are wonderful.  This year she made 12 stockings before she left to see my brother in Australia.  They are intricate, personal and amazingly special for each person who is given one.  Everyone I know who has received one compares the one they received to the ones she makes.  But, we all know we would never give up the one we have.

When my mother makes a Stocking for someone, that person then begins to hope they will be joining her Christmas Cookie List.  I know when I think of my Christmas stocking that her Christmas Cookie Package must be on its way.  Her Christmas Cookies have travelled all over the world to reach relatives and family.  If her Christmas cookies aren't her expression of affection and love, I have no idea what is.  I am looking forward to seeing mom for a few days before Christmas and to spend Christmas Eve with her before she takes me to the airport. 

A year ago, Carleton and I went to my Mom’s in Portland to celebrate Christmas.  Carleton simply wanted to be in Portland for Christmas.  But, I had asked if Mom would make a Christmas stocking for Carleton.  She accepted the task willingly.

When we arrived, Mom had it ready to present.  There had been murmurs amongst my siblings regarding where Carleton’s Stocking would be hung.  Mom surprised all.  My Mom is always practical.  But, sometimes practical makes others emotional.   It was a moment when we both felt part of my family.  My mother placed it in the place where Dad's stocking used to hang.  She was simply being practical, but to Carleton, she was recognizing him as my family.

I so appreciated the gift mom gave Carleton and me.  Carleton loved the stocking and was so proud of it.  Before he could hang it, he insisted on a picture with it.  Mom made sure he carried it with him to bring back to San Diego.  It iscarefully packed away with our Christmas things.

Now, as I consider going through the Christmas boxes, which to date, remain boxed in the closet, I worry and consider what I will do when I stumble upon that stocking.  It has now become a talisman.  A cherished memory of love that will evoke its own emotions when I discover it.  I am prepared to remember, to tear, sob, and grieve.  I am just not sure it will be this year.  I just am not focused on Joy this Christmas.  Though, I do appreciate the Peace that was brought to Earth for which so many worship and celebrate on Christmas Day.

This year, I hope you will spend time with those you love most, and cherish them.  Last Christmas was a dear gift for me.  I hope you will keep Carleton's Family in your thoughts.  I cannot imagine a Christmas without a Child, but please remember that many face that reality this Christmas. 

 Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.”
― Alice Morse Earle

 Enjoy each present with whom you share Christmas.  Life would be harder if you were to have to live with regrets instead of those you love.  So, make memories.  For it will be memories and people who help me through this Christmas. 

The First Post Carleton Thanksgiving

People said that the holidays would be tough.  I thought I was prepared.  Thanksgiving came.  And, starting at Rite Aid, when I couldn't remember what I was missing, and then realizing it was Carleton, I thought that would be it.  Just over 90 days, and my brain had just realized that Carleton wasn't going to be calling my cell phone on a holiday.  Nor, would he be travelling with me to a family event.

 

It wasn't rocket science but it was still a realization that hurt.  The loss became just a bit bigger than it had been just two days before. 

 

I had a 2 and a half hour trip to extended family that ended up becoming four hours.  Four hours with each radio station playing songs about missing family or programs about grace and family tradition.  By hour three, as I hit the Ventura Freeway on my way to Thousand Oaks, my eyes were filled with tear, my chest was grieving, and I was driving at 81 miles in thick traffic.  And, yes, there was no Kleenex.

 

The next episode came quickly when my next thoughts were the realizations that I hadn't seen these relatives since before Carleton's passing.  It was going be a heavy weekend.  And, it was.  Thanksgiving started the emptiness of losing Carleton again, because where we spent time, or how we spent it apart was remembered.   I kept waiting, subconsciously for him to call my cell.  It was only a few days later that I realized it.

 

Thankfully, after the extensive drive, I arrived at Kathy's home where 30 people were engaged in stories and smiles.  I was greeted at the door by my cousin, Arlene who rushed to the bathroom to refresh, then directed me to the wine tasting (I call it communion), and Dinner was soon to start. 

 

I had specifically come to enjoy the pies made by Kristin and loved how Kathy could whip up dinner!  I am so glad that I spent Thanksgiving with the Appleton Family and the Le Febre's.  It was a wonderful event.  And, they cared for me greatly.  And, Aunt Barbara, who lost Uncle Tom just four years ago, kept me in her sights, and after all was done, asked the questions I needed to hear, to know that I was not the only one who grieves and that it can be very overwhelmingly painful.  And, it can take awhile, and be sporadically unnerving.  It was a relief and then an outpouring from us both ensued.  But, the connection in loss had me feeling that loss anew, as if my brain was feeling it again for the first time.  Perhaps, only my heart had been doing the grieving since August, but now my Brain could no longer deny the reality. 

 

In anticipation of the holiday misery, Celia had offered her Palm Springs abode to me for the rest of the Weekend.  On Friday, I left Aunt Barbara's home and drove to Palm Springs to become reclusive, work through the emotions, and watch sci-fi marathons alone.  No one needs to see me fall apart or work at putting me back together.  Sometimes grief just means you need to grieve alone.  And, sometimes, you do need to be around people who love you.

 

By Sunday, I was ready to head back to life, work, and appreciate that the First After Carleton Thanksgiving was complete.  Emotions were felt, loss too, but I had pulled through, to move forward through the process.   And, truly thanksful for all of those who helped me through this year.

 

My Thanksgiving List 2013

My Thanksgiving List

I am thankful that I am alive.  Honestly, in 2013, at times, that has been enough.  Truthfully, 2013 has certainly provided me the opportunity to feel nearly every emotion possible in the human spectrum.

In no particular order, I thought it important to state what, or more importantly, whom I am thankful.  Yet, with the danger of making any list, forgetfulness and absentmindedness are factors, feel free to suggest additions to my list of individuals, events, or things for which I am thankful.  Not everyone will be listed, due to constraints of time, memory, perception, and length.

The condensed version:  Mom, Marc & Cindy, Extended relatives, Celia & Barb with extended friends.  Other Friends - close & dear, and friends not so close and dear.  The support from GSDBA and Waddell & Reed, The Cannon Family, Sean and Dom, and Carleton's Aunt Jackie.  Mostly, the experience of Carleton.  Lastly, a new resolved feeling of relevance.  (disclosure:  the list is not necessarily in value order or is to imply exclusion or inclusion of value should your name be listed or not listed.  It is a condensed listing only).

This listing is a more expansive expression with further exploration of what determined the inclusion on the list:

I cherish my mother, Beth.  Her combination of values, perspectives, and wisdom I constantly seek.   Her purpose and motivations endears her to many.  While others call her Beth or Aunt Beth, I am so very thankful I am one of a precious few who get to call her Mom.  She taught me inclusion, unrelenting love, forgiveness, and grace.  I am sure, at times, she would prefer I cherished these values more limitedly than I have. 

Yet, even this year, she moved me by demonstrating why I call her Mom.  I regularly called to vent, to share updates or relay more bad news.  Yet, she bore it with me.  Perhaps because I am her son.  Perhaps because she knew there were few I would burden.  She moved outside of her Mom-ness to reach me, reason with me, support me, and, yes, even console me.  Sometimes, she simply listened as I sobbed.  She is able to be with me at moments when I cannot be with others.  This year, I realized that it is she who taught me how to create a refuge for others.  Her refuge is always open to me, it seems.

I also cherish her pies, Christmas cookies, knitting, my Christmas stocking, and general ability to tolerate me talking.

I am thankful for my siblings, Marc and Cindy (and the partners they have).  While they are far away, they have worried and raised concerns.  They do not often have to say anything at all.  They just are.  It is something quirky about our family.  We just “are”. 

I am so fortunate to be acquainted with so many people.  The diversity and combination of experience, skill, perception, capacity, and ability of each is a source of fascination that constantly pulls me into the realm of awe.

 

This year is no exception.  I am truly thankful for my friends.  My thankfulness includes those who are near and dear along with those who have simply felt we were acquaintances.  When someone goes through a terrible loss, no one know what comment or show of concern tips the balance toward renewal.  Some friends were called to come to my rescue this year in caring for Carleton.  Some friends extended invitations to visit their homes as places of refuge or rejuvenation. 

Celia came at the request of Carleton simply to be with me and confirm my deepest fears.  Few would have dared to make me face it.  Loyalty has a cost.  Loyalty does not hide the truth.  Deep friendship bears the cost of reality, love, and pain.  Intense toughness know its own.

I am thankful for my friends who have helped me through 2013.  Those of you who came to my home or had me at yours.  Friends made sure I was alive days after Carleton died.  Some texted me each day.  Others e-mailed.  Others simply lived with me vicariously through Facebook and my blog.  Each interaction this year was important to me.  From my La Grande friends who reached out in concern to those in Portland and beyond, thank you.  Your cards, notes, e-mails, retorts, taunts, and encouragement did help maintain my sanity.  One high point was the nearly 200 happy birthday wishes for me.

To Sue and Mary Jo, Jen, Celia & Barb, Kevin, Mary & Patricia, Ellen, Tory, Matt & Daniel, Rene, Andy, and Kevin, Karen, Jeanne, Marci, the GSDBA Board, James Haug, Mike Cavallo and many who just asked how I was doing.  Wow, you watched as the train wreck started and did not abandon until the emergency subsided.  You did not ask and simply made my decisions for me.  Or had lunch with me.  Truly friends.

I am thankful for the support the last year from Waddell& Reed people who helped me stay on track with clients, compliance, and the ever changing and expected responsibilities in my career.  The patience and support from this “other family” I have enjoyed for over 20 years simply, and deeply, moved me.  Their acceptance, and my clients’ patience and support of my commitment to Carleton made the struggle of 2013 much easier.

I am thankful for Jackie, Carleton’s Aunt, for her quiet entrances and departures.  When emotions are raw, gentleness is a valuable commodity.  Dominique, Carleton’s other aunt, became a new friend and help to understanding family dynamics.

I am thankful that I was allowed to be a part, for a time, of the Cannon Clan.  Carleton often called it a circus without a tent.  I will leave it to your imagination.  I continue to be thankful that the family did not make a difficult time more difficult.  I cannot imagine losing a brother and twin or a son.   I know Carleton worried about this above all.

Carleton

What I am most thankful for?  My time with Carleton.

I am thankful that I met Carleton Cannon and spent three tumultuous years of his life with him.  He was not perfect and neither am I.  Our relationship was not lengthy but it was intensely lived.  If I had never met him, I would be quite different today, certainly.  Yet, I am so very glad I did.  Though the cost has been great emotionally and in other ways.

Carleton demanded that I love him.  He required and yearned for my focus.  He did not share easily and I was accustomed to providing my time and attention unguarded. 

I have been raised not to demand of others but simply to ask.  While some have an expectation of others, I have lived my life in hope, not demand.  Carleton’s deteriorating health required more of me than hope.  His reality required more than I was able to give.  I experienced moments of his grief, despair, fear, anger, along with his denial, acceptance, ultimately his entire range of intense, unfiltered and very raw emotional expressions.  I have never been an extension of someone else.  Yet, in some way, our connection allowed him the ability to assure most, if not all, of his hopes.  I became an extension of him.

Through the last year of his life, I worried he was not considering his end.  I worried he might not prepare to meet his God.  At times, our conversations led down this road, yet we all have areas of secrets and hurts that we do not share with anyone, easily.  Ultimately, communication between Mom & Carleton created his pathway of acceptance for his future, should he no longer be able to fight.  Ultimately, finding peace is what everyone is most thankful to find.

In return for my all, my giving, attentiveness, and living with Carleton, he gave me the one thing that I have longed to have.  Secretly, and not so secretly over my chosen career, the volunteering I do, the people I have helped, the causes I support, the friends that I select, all have been based on a deep seated need to feel relevant.  Some might call it their legacy. 

Relevance to the world, to others, to people I know is a deep value of mine.  My secret horror was that at the end of my days I would look back and feel that my life did not matter, that what I did made no difference.

Carleton, with his life at an end, in quiet moments before his end, resolved that horror.  At the end of his days, he relied on me to make decisions no one should have to make.  He acknowledged and accepted my choices without comment.  He knew I would bear the choices.  He submitted or surrendered in the process.  Carleton, in his actions, acknowledged my relevance.

Truly, 2013 will continue to be a terribly significant year.  I am thankful it is near an end.  I look forward to new beginnings.  But, I am thankful for those who participated in my life this year.  And, that I had relevance to one.