The First Post Carleton Thanksgiving

People said that the holidays would be tough.  I thought I was prepared.  Thanksgiving came.  And, starting at Rite Aid, when I couldn't remember what I was missing, and then realizing it was Carleton, I thought that would be it.  Just over 90 days, and my brain had just realized that Carleton wasn't going to be calling my cell phone on a holiday.  Nor, would he be travelling with me to a family event.

 

It wasn't rocket science but it was still a realization that hurt.  The loss became just a bit bigger than it had been just two days before. 

 

I had a 2 and a half hour trip to extended family that ended up becoming four hours.  Four hours with each radio station playing songs about missing family or programs about grace and family tradition.  By hour three, as I hit the Ventura Freeway on my way to Thousand Oaks, my eyes were filled with tear, my chest was grieving, and I was driving at 81 miles in thick traffic.  And, yes, there was no Kleenex.

 

The next episode came quickly when my next thoughts were the realizations that I hadn't seen these relatives since before Carleton's passing.  It was going be a heavy weekend.  And, it was.  Thanksgiving started the emptiness of losing Carleton again, because where we spent time, or how we spent it apart was remembered.   I kept waiting, subconsciously for him to call my cell.  It was only a few days later that I realized it.

 

Thankfully, after the extensive drive, I arrived at Kathy's home where 30 people were engaged in stories and smiles.  I was greeted at the door by my cousin, Arlene who rushed to the bathroom to refresh, then directed me to the wine tasting (I call it communion), and Dinner was soon to start. 

 

I had specifically come to enjoy the pies made by Kristin and loved how Kathy could whip up dinner!  I am so glad that I spent Thanksgiving with the Appleton Family and the Le Febre's.  It was a wonderful event.  And, they cared for me greatly.  And, Aunt Barbara, who lost Uncle Tom just four years ago, kept me in her sights, and after all was done, asked the questions I needed to hear, to know that I was not the only one who grieves and that it can be very overwhelmingly painful.  And, it can take awhile, and be sporadically unnerving.  It was a relief and then an outpouring from us both ensued.  But, the connection in loss had me feeling that loss anew, as if my brain was feeling it again for the first time.  Perhaps, only my heart had been doing the grieving since August, but now my Brain could no longer deny the reality. 

 

In anticipation of the holiday misery, Celia had offered her Palm Springs abode to me for the rest of the Weekend.  On Friday, I left Aunt Barbara's home and drove to Palm Springs to become reclusive, work through the emotions, and watch sci-fi marathons alone.  No one needs to see me fall apart or work at putting me back together.  Sometimes grief just means you need to grieve alone.  And, sometimes, you do need to be around people who love you.

 

By Sunday, I was ready to head back to life, work, and appreciate that the First After Carleton Thanksgiving was complete.  Emotions were felt, loss too, but I had pulled through, to move forward through the process.   And, truly thanksful for all of those who helped me through this year.