It is the little things in life that create balance and annoyance

Grief makes the tiny things big for a time.  In my case, since my return from visiting Mom, I am finding some things that were, aren't.  And, some things are that weren't.  Let me explain.

Whenever I would leave on a trip, I always made sure that Carleton had a full refrigerator of food.  His soda selections, milk, orange juice, meals, etc.  I know that I would be eating with my Mom, clients or friends.  I wanted him to have what he wanted.

Yet, this last trip, I unconciously realized that everything in would perish and present a terrible odor upon my return if it were left to develop.  I simply didn't plan for the result.  Yes, I have been busy, and three days later, there has been nothing placed magically into the fridge.  Do you know why?  Because I would need to do it.  Well, except a friend realized the dillema this morning and delivered a carton of milk to make sure I could have cereal.  Of course, I have frozen things in the freezer, just nothing fresh. Ugh.

As I begin my process back to singleness, I become annoyed at little things.  Things Carleton promised to do, but didn't get around to it.  The closet project.  Helping me with organizing some files.  Assist me in reviewing every one of those strange boxes that go with you in every move, but you aren't sure any more what is in it.

I become annoyed at the things Carleton did do, but won't be doing them any longer.  Today, I realized I have to do things I hate but that Carleton didn't mind.  I hate folding clothes.  Hate it!   We shared kitchen duties, now I have to do all of the duties.  He helped me with chores around the house, usually vacuuming.  Even putting sentences into past tense as it relates to Carleton is annoying.

Yesterday morning, as I reached for the vacuum, the special filters he said he would order 6 months ago were, surprise!, not in the apartment.  Yep, I was peeved.  I look in the vacuum and there is the six months of dirt he vacuumed up.  Carleton had simply ignored using the vacuum with the filter.  I soon learned why.  There was no special website where he could order the filter.  He would have had to talk to someone on the phone!  His phonephobia continues to pester me!

Yet, I will admit that Carleton had a certain ying to my yang.  Normally his yang annoyed me.  Though, now, it bothers me less.  See, Carleton was fiercely protective of where he lived, of who he loved, what information people would or should know about him or me, and whether someone or anyone should have any knowledge, access, or ability to enter our home. 

On the other hand, I have always been a person who advertised in newspapers for the promotion of my career as a financial advisor while serving the LGBT Community as an advocate and volunteer.  I have been as welcoming to others as Carleton has been at being fiercely private.  I have always volunteered for decades and he was happy to be my personal hermit. 

I generally welcome any person to visit me at my home.  I didn't attempt to hide things of personal worth or value. The thought would never crossed my mind that it might be stolen.  But, it would drive Carleton into a frenzy whether someone was scheduled to visit or stopped by unnanounced or undeclared by me.

I saw my home as a refuge for those who might need refuge, a place of peace where I lived and obviously people could knock to find me.  He saw it as his safe place to be protected from those who would press or take advantage.  

To my surprise, mild surprise, several friends have repeated similar phrases that Carleton used to express in exasperation regarding my laissez faire, generally trusting policy.  Dare I say that a few have taken it upon themselves personally to not so subtely monitor and evaluate my home life, bringing their own penchants for defending against my rather hopeful attitude of seeing the good in others and believing easily trusting demeanors.  Dare I admit having a pollyanna complex?

My mom has regularly said that I'm really, really smart, but sometimes have no common sense.  Rene, today, would agree.  An issue arose where I was patiently waiting for someone to follow through on their word.  He was ready to involve the police.  He nicely said I was the smartest person he knows but he is frustrated at my complete lack of street smarts.  He said it with the same rolled eyes look I sometimes give friends when they just frustrate me with their lack of basic knowledge in budgeting or strategic engagement or basic political consequences of decision making.  As far as Rene is concerned, my year long adventure in Sao Paulo, Brazil taught me nothing.

Clearly, Carelton has pointedly assured that my lack of concern in some areas is balanced by those who share his, and my mom's, irritation at the very thing that makes me who I am.  And, that does not make me annoyed.  .

Now, if I can only figure out what to do with his shot glass collection and determine where to give his remaining FloVorIce he enjoyed.  Then, I will face the more daunting of Widower/Widow questions...  How to cook for one.  Dinner plans anyone?

The Cave of Once Was

Thoughts bead into rivulets of thinking. 

Clouds of remembering thunder as

Winds lift pictures into view.

Growing storms carve new streams of grief

Rushing over rapids of regret 

Crashing into my reality of loss,
Pooling in dark depths of this

Lagoon of Loneliness

While others suffer held, too

By the currents of near River Lost.  

Others try to cheer, comfort, worry, watch
As some moments freeze in space

Quiet thoughts of nothing join

Before a deluge of tears

Pound and break onto the heart rocks of reality.

I stretch for the shore
Gasping for breath
Drowning in sorrow.
Exhausted with the cold shock
A surprise eddy pulls me away
From today back to that 
Crevice of loss.
Chocking back sobs, 
Drowning in wails of will not be.

Now simply weeping with the waves as I dry off.
Too many times will I slip 
In this marsh of memory before reaching solid ground.
Stepping in the quicksand of stories 
Pulling me back to the cavern of woe.
While reminders I did what I could
Echo in the Cave of Once Was. 

[Eric thinking of Carleton three weeks after Carleton's death]

GOD. Tonight I miss him. I was doing pretty good for days, but since about 3p today.  Well, not so good after 3p. Stayed fairly busy until 9p. Then to bed. And after days of doing okay, handling the questions, managing the hugs, I guess when asked for the death certificate to close an account. . .

Those in grief hate being reminded they are in grief.  They hate being "debbie downers".  Yet, in that grief, while in that grief, they worry who will they lose while in that grief.  

I worry that I will "turn off" those who are used to my sunny disposition.  I am known for creativity and light, not darkness and sorrow.  I am the "strong one" and still will be, but today, the storm darkened my day, suddenly.

I was doing "so well", until someone who didn't know, asked how Carleton was doing.  I couldn't look into his eyes as I told one more person, he isn't.  He is gone.  Dead, died, At peace.  He didn't recover, he didn't get better.  But, I hope I do.  I know I will.  And, I grieve that, too.

I grieve that I didn't turn to others to check on them when I was overwhelmed.  Of course, others were in pain, but I could not reach out to them because my pain, my loss is/was overwhelming.  The only positive is that I know I still have a heart simply because each moment it is in pain, it communicates that it still beats in me.  

I will be okay because I still cry when the feelings overwhelm me and instead of becoming a rancid bitterness, it flows out of this pool of grief and loss.  This sponge will continue to be squeezed in love until the rivers of loss slow, then it will only be rinsed out when needed.  But, today, it does it today.

 I was doing so well, for days, clear days, hours of clear thinking, not stunned into depression and loss.  And, tomorrow, that clear day may come again.  I know it will.  Carleton would expect it and so will I. 

Today - Carleton had the last word

I am thrilled to know that Carleton Cannon no longer has pain.  Mine will simply take time.

For those who do not know, Carleton has been my boyfriend, best friend, and partner nearly the last three years.  For much of that time, he also fought disease and cancer.  

Yesterday, August 20, 2013, Carleton called me.  At 1pm, with wheezing and labored breathing, he wanted me to hurry to his hospital room, a pulmonary doctor was looking for me.  Carleton was scared.  So was I.  He was on so many and so much pain medication over the last few days.  Many of the doctors were amazed at his ability to ask for more to address the exponentially increasing pain thresholds. 

I hurried and was at his hospital room in under 15 minutes to learn that Carleton had already received the gravest of news.  Worse, I was to be the person to decide his fate, invasive surgery or to keep him comfortable.  Truly, it was not a decision he felt he clearly understood and he looked to me with trust and faith to make his best decision.  I made that decision and it was confirmed by his mother whose eyes were as wet as mine.

Months ago, he had been giving everyone grief requesting to go home, demanding to go home, yet not able to go home.  Finally, after hours of this relentless demand with his brother, his dad just recently arrived, I came to see him and observed his agitation, and after a few moments in the room and with all the love and authority I had, I simply said “Not Today”.  

Immediately, he reached for me, sobbed, then hugged me, and fell asleep.  He trusted my word.  Yet, in the months to come, clearly he contemplated those two words.  He must have considered the trust between us, the care I gave, and the loyalty, presence and deep affirmation of what those two words meant between us.  He held to the belief that I would be there when he was ready to go home and I would advocate for it, no matter the cost.

You may ask how I know he did this.  Well, yesterday, after making the decision for his best interest, I asked and contacted those most important that he say something to or hug.  When the last person arrived, tears streaming down his face, Carleton no longer had energy to fight the pain, the labored breathing and the reluctant increases of pain medication I was requesting.  

Having said goodbye to everyone else, he turned to me, in front of his dad, at the end.   Scared, exhausted, relieved, yet clearly focused on his surrender, doing what he could to help everyone else in the room during this transition, he turned to me.  I did not expect what was next.

He had trusted me for nearly three years to be his partner and advocate.  He had been the ultimate romantic.  He had wanted 50 years with me but with resignation in his eyes, he had earlier in the days prior faced the prospect of his death.  The pain was increasingly too much for him to endure.  He repeatedly said he was not a fighter.

For months we had discussed the options and strategies surrounding his health. He sought advice and what would be appropriate actions to help him fight or how best to surrender with dignity.  He communicated his devotion to me, his love of our time together, his appreciation for what I have done, and his months of growing grief and concern for me that I would not be okay. 

Yet, with that same care and his own last moments of humor and wit, he returned in volume all the emotion and care he could muster.  He trusted I would do what was necessary so he could go home.  With the last of his strength he surprised me and said the one word that would mean most to me and require my compliance.  He was requesting my help one more time.  I was his health advocate.  He knew only one word would force me to provide him the relief he sought.  

He said “Today”.  And, today, I am still crying.

Serve, Step Aside, or Stay

For years, I have served communities who needed organizing, encouragement, protection, coordination, advocacy, and even leadership.  Yet, the longer I serve, the more convinced I am that there are clear events when it is appropriate to step aside.

When events occur that destroy your credibility or ability to lead.
When accusations become numerous and consistently lodged against you, thus threatening to divide those constituencies who you lead and who placed you in leadership.
When those around you advocate for your departure.
When you feel you are no longer able to serve or meet the needs of those you are called to serve.

When you are no longer able to serve, or others are no longer willing to serve or work with you, it is time to strongly consider whether you are still a servant, or whether you have become an impediment to serving others.

Whether you know better or not.  It does not matter when you serve.
Whether you did or did not do wrong.  Due process aside, service is the focus.
Whether others are wrong or right.

The only exception is when you alone stand in the gap against evil.  And, even if you do, you will not stand long unless others decide to stand with you.  Thus, stepping aside may become the most appropriate strategy to recover, reorganize and redevelop a future strategy to continue your life of service.

For good or ill, serving is key.
People will only remember if you served well.
People remember who you champion.
People remember what you champion.
People remember how you respond.
Did you respond with compassion.
Did you respond with a thought for the future.
Did you respond with a hope and with strategic thinking.
Be comforted that any action, no matter how poor, will be measured against your heart.
Of that, I am confident.

Ultimately, the reason one serves is for the passion and goal of serving others.  Stepping aside for others more passionate, more able, more willing, can allow for the movement you ultimately desire and shows integrity.

When you stay to only serve your reputation or yourself, others will only focus on you, not on the activity necessary that you do to serve others.  Serve, Step Aside or Stay.  You choose.

Promoting Your Business Visibility at GSDBA

I wanted to personally encourage companies to promote their visibility in the Greater San Diego Business Association Directory.   In 2013, hundreds of businesses successfully participated in our directory and we are now in the 2014 Directory season.   Online, you can review the Directory Advertising Highlights and pricing at GSDBA Directory Information page.  If you would like visibility in the directory, please go to 2014 GSDBA Directory Form.

With the visibility given to the end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, the end of DOMA, the end of Proposition 8, the LGBT Community is the most watched community as they embrace growing equality, including marriage. GSDBA will be having a Wedding section so that GSDBA members who cater to the needs of of those who want to celebrate their nuptials in a special section this year.

As a member of GSDBA, you have the ability to promote your company, and its brand, through the GSDBA directory, both printed and online, which reaches over 28,000 households who feel part of the LGBT community and respect and encourage diversity.

People who shop and invest, search for professional services, or who are searching for a new employment opportunity use our GSDBA Directory as a source to find businesses, professionals, and companies that believe in equality, support organizations that work for diversity, and believe that the LGBT Community is a valuable component to their success.   The directory is a strong part of a smart marketing and visibility strategy.

Should you want a more robust plan for visibility and sponsorship which includes Directory visibility, consider supporting GSDBA more aggressively.  GSDBA has developed several levels of Sponsorship for organizations and companies who want to support our efforts at diversity, work place equality, and building business success in the diverse LGBT community.  Consider joining great companies with names like Scripps, SDG&E, Union Bank, Century 21 Award, Cox Business, Waddell & Reed, and Met Life and others as sponsors of GSDBA who support the mission of GSDBA.

With a strong directory, a loyal membership and board of directors focused on serving the needs of its members, I am excited about the new direction for our news magazine starting in November, along with new ways of creating visibility and attracting consumers for our members.  This new engagement and coordination will grow our visibility and success for the next decade.

For individuals, no matter whether you are a business owner, a professional, or simply appreciate the efforts to bring LGBT issues into the work place in the many ways GSDBA does for the LGBT community, we have a membership level for you to join us in our efforts.  Joining GSDBA as a friend of GSDBA, a member of GSDBA, or a VIP level member assists us in our work, and we will make sure the 2014 GSDBA Directory is mailed as one of the membership benefits.  

Visit with me, a GSDBA board member, Michelle Burkart, the GSDBA Interim General Manager, or our new Directory Sales Representative, Rob Rankin.   Directory deadline is September 27, 2013.  

Jeri Muse leads VA Medical Center to Stand Out in Health Equality Index 2013

Jeri Muse, PhD, sits on the GSDBA Board as Vice Chair. She has been instrumental to the U.S. Veterans Health Administrations implementation of inclusive actions toward the LGBT Community. I want to personally thank her for her efforts.

 

This is what HRC recently had to say regarding the efforts at the VA.

 

"In the wake of the 2011 repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the U.S. Veterans Health Administration (VHA), the largest integrated healthcare system in the United States, created a work group to identify ways to optimize care for the nation’s LGBT veterans. One of the group’s key recommendations was that the country’s 152 VA medical centers be encouraged to participate in the HEI. In close partnership with Lisa Red and Carlos Rodriguez of the VHA Office of Health Equity, HEI staff reached out to the VA medical centers, only one of which had previously participated in the HEI.

 

This intensive outreach was successful: 120 of the VA medical centers, or nearly 80%, voluntarily participated in the HEI. And an impressive 91 of them, or 76%, were awarded HEI 2013 Equality Leader status—a higher percentage of Leaders than for HEI 2013 respondents as a whole.

 

To achieve HEI Leader status, the VA medical centers documented that they publicize to their patients and visitors the VHA’s systemwide policies giving equal visitation to LGBT people and prohibiting LGBT patient and employment discrimination. The medical centers also registered well over 500 senior managers for HEI training, which they praised.

 

The HEI looks forward to continued close collaboration with the VHA system—and extends hearty thanks to the staff members within it who are working hard to welcome and support the nation’s LGBT veterans."

Rules for Visitation

Please consider these rules for when a person has recently had a major illness, a hospital stay, is undergoing chemotherapy, lives with a life threatening illness, has someone living with them that has one of these issues, or is facing the end of their life and has determined to pursue hospice in their home.

Please call ahead to confirm the visit.  An emergency may have occurred if you scheduled days in advance.

If you prepare a meal, please do not include raw foods, whether fruit or vegetable, nor nuts or cooked broccoli. (CJ doesn’t eat broccoli or fish).  This will enhance the likelihood of it being eaten.  The appreciation of the effort is great, especially when it is able to be enjoyed.

Remember the home is their residence (CJ and Eric).  The day you visit, they may have had other visitors or will be expecting others and they want to be able to greet each one with warmth, cheer, and attention.

Do not take it personally if attention is diverted from you.  Contribute as you can while you are there.  Please be understanding if others are interruptive and consider returning at a different time. 

Be understanding that time constraints are for the benefit of health and recuperation.  A visit is always enjoyable, but a visit can tax the body.  Unless you are assisting CJ and Eric with tasks of daily living, please keep your visit to under an hour. Expect that others may be there at the same time. 

Lengthy conversations during a visit can stress the patient, concern the caregiver, or stress other visitors.  Please consider the conversation topic and whether it helps the patient recuperate, address an important issue, or whether it is helpful or enjoyable.  All other topics should be minimal. 

This home is being interrupted from its normal routine.  Be sensitive to those who live in it by not being sensitive when you are politely encouraged to depart.  Eric and CJ are fiercely private about their personal space but were raised to be polite.  Please do not test that balance.

Do not visit when you have a cough, a cold or any potentially infectious disease.  A mask is valuable should you need to visit yet have been around children, large groups, have a sniffle.  A mask will not be provided at the door, please bring one that does not allow your germs to become our germs.

If you are concerned about CJs health, please share this with CJ first.  If you feel he is not able to address your concern, please visit with Eric.

Please use gloves when appropriate.  Gloves are located under the sink in both bathrooms.  Please stay healthy and protect CJ and Eric’s health.

Please keep information about Eric and CJ confidential.  This is an intimate time which you have been invited to support, encourage, and witness.  At times, we will not be presentable for the public but have included you in our non-public sphere where things are not as perfect.  Embarrassment and feelings of humiliation due to issues of health are normal at this time, but respect is expected at all times.

When you would like to support CJ by volunteering to sit with him or complete a task that needs to be completed, please contact Eric, establish the time parameters and tasks, and if it is to be completed in the house, please do not cancel the same day, not show, or come at a time other than what was agreed upon or please contact Eric or CJ to confirm flexibility.  Shopping lists can be made available.

If you are helping with CJs care, we will have a list of doctors and medicines available. But, if Eric is not available, and CJ s health worsens, please leave a text for Eric, type 911, and either call 911 or drive him to UCSD emergency.

Regular tasks for volunteers may include cleaning the kitchen or bathrooms, laundry, grocery shopping (with list), and other minor tasks.  We are humbled by you taking the time out of your day to care for CJ and support Eric.  It is never forgotten.  We may or may not publically acknowledge the help, but in our hearts, and sometimes, in plain view there could be tears of appreciation.  It is the understanding that others care that keeps Eric moving forward.  And, it is with this knowledge that Eric and CJ know they are loved that keeps them facing what they are facing.

The needs for CJ’s care are not always clear.  Eric has been the primary care provider for 2 years.  Eric requires frequent breaks. To accommodate Carleton’s care, he has moved a significant amount of his work home to be available.  Be sensitive to his need for privacy to address client confidentiality issues. 

When a volunteer is considered the primary care response person, talk to that person first rather than Eric. He may be working, resting, relaxing or unwinding and needs that time for his own health.  If you are the visitor or volunteer care individual, please do interrupt Eric if the concern rises to an emergency.