The Cave of Once Was

Thoughts bead into rivulets of thinking. 

Clouds of remembering thunder as

Winds lift pictures into view.

Growing storms carve new streams of grief

Rushing over rapids of regret 

Crashing into my reality of loss,
Pooling in dark depths of this

Lagoon of Loneliness

While others suffer held, too

By the currents of near River Lost.  

Others try to cheer, comfort, worry, watch
As some moments freeze in space

Quiet thoughts of nothing join

Before a deluge of tears

Pound and break onto the heart rocks of reality.

I stretch for the shore
Gasping for breath
Drowning in sorrow.
Exhausted with the cold shock
A surprise eddy pulls me away
From today back to that 
Crevice of loss.
Chocking back sobs, 
Drowning in wails of will not be.

Now simply weeping with the waves as I dry off.
Too many times will I slip 
In this marsh of memory before reaching solid ground.
Stepping in the quicksand of stories 
Pulling me back to the cavern of woe.
While reminders I did what I could
Echo in the Cave of Once Was. 

[Eric thinking of Carleton three weeks after Carleton's death]

GOD. Tonight I miss him. I was doing pretty good for days, but since about 3p today.  Well, not so good after 3p. Stayed fairly busy until 9p. Then to bed. And after days of doing okay, handling the questions, managing the hugs, I guess when asked for the death certificate to close an account. . .

Those in grief hate being reminded they are in grief.  They hate being "debbie downers".  Yet, in that grief, while in that grief, they worry who will they lose while in that grief.  

I worry that I will "turn off" those who are used to my sunny disposition.  I am known for creativity and light, not darkness and sorrow.  I am the "strong one" and still will be, but today, the storm darkened my day, suddenly.

I was doing "so well", until someone who didn't know, asked how Carleton was doing.  I couldn't look into his eyes as I told one more person, he isn't.  He is gone.  Dead, died, At peace.  He didn't recover, he didn't get better.  But, I hope I do.  I know I will.  And, I grieve that, too.

I grieve that I didn't turn to others to check on them when I was overwhelmed.  Of course, others were in pain, but I could not reach out to them because my pain, my loss is/was overwhelming.  The only positive is that I know I still have a heart simply because each moment it is in pain, it communicates that it still beats in me.  

I will be okay because I still cry when the feelings overwhelm me and instead of becoming a rancid bitterness, it flows out of this pool of grief and loss.  This sponge will continue to be squeezed in love until the rivers of loss slow, then it will only be rinsed out when needed.  But, today, it does it today.

 I was doing so well, for days, clear days, hours of clear thinking, not stunned into depression and loss.  And, tomorrow, that clear day may come again.  I know it will.  Carleton would expect it and so will I.