Sequestration and Stupidity - When did they become American Values?

Let me explain in basic terms the impact of sequestration.  I received an e-mail from a client today.  Tomorrow, Friday, my client informed me that her husband will be asked to reduce his work 20% which will result in a 20% loss of income.  This will impact his retirement goals, his wife's work, their goals and expectations.  This will bring to a stop income being set aside for his own investment in his future.  It will reduce and personally impact me, reduce my income, reduce my ability to reach my goals, support my community, impact the services I can provide and reduce my ability to financially address those who are less fortunate. 

He works for the military providing family advocacy services for marines. 

Sequestration does not result in smart decisions but results in making easy, terribly impactful decisions.  Reducing the support services for veterans and their families is likely a terrible decision.  Yet it is far easier to cut services for those who deserve and need it.  If they truly find it necessary to have therapy, let them drink, do drugs, get arrested and become jailed.  It simply must be easier when measured against the loss of programs that protect corporate welfare, tax savings for CEOs and the super wealthy, and the benefits necessary to support the lifestyles of defense programs that cost Americans $400 billion dollars in waste - and thats just in the defense budget.

Sequestration isn't the fault of democrats or republicans.  It is our fault as a country.  We have decided that working for the common good no longer valuable.  We have chosen to create a divisive culture where we judge each other rather than value the differences.  We have litmus tests rather than appreciate conversation.  We would rather be right than find peace or success.

Every American should be contacting their representatives.  It is not enough to complain, confirm or encourage their position.  It is unacceptable to allow politicians to determine our financial fate.  It is unacceptable to allow either political party to determine and destroy the dreams of America.  We voted for them.  All of us should hold them accountable or enact recall procedures on every one of them on Monday.

I am willing to compromise that is reasonable for the entire community.  I am not willing to allow the poor to live worse or the wealthy to continue to improve their taxable value.  The decision of the Supreme Court on Citizens United supports the dependency of politicians on the super wealthy and corporate America.  A comprehensive debate and review of national policies is desperately needed, but Americans, generally, would rather watch reality television than address reality itself.

I am willing to completely accept a restructuring of tax policy, foreign investment, corporate welfare policy, agricultural policy, education, financial system impacts, investment in health and sciences and many other issues.  But, to grind down a debate to whether the politicians support raising taxes or cutting benefits and services is a debate which is both too simplistic and results in debates that range from bizarre to utterly monstrous.  Plus, anyone who believes that the current debate is that basic, I have to question whether you ever took a civics class or simply do not understand the idea of positioning in conversation.

Until both conservative and liberal, all Americans, are willing to fire their personal representatives who appeal to their most personal opinions, extreme values and beliefs to garner their vote, for the purposes of getting the politicians to create a working government, we will continue to deserve the lack of compromise, vacuous debate, the extreme volatility in our markets, the uncertainty of our futures, and the loss of confidence from the rest of the world.

Nominate a Local LGBT Hero

Do you know someone in the LGBT Community who has shown excellence in the fields of Art, Business, Community Activism, Education, or Social Services?  Is it time for you to let them know?  Take the time to recognize someone for their contributions.   Currently two different options are available for you to recognize someone.
GSDBA Annual Business Awards
GSDBA has an Awards Luncheon in June and nominations are being accepted.

http://www.gsdba.org/page/2013-business-awards
Categories include:
GSDBA Business of the Year
Nonprofit of the Year Community Leadership Award
GSDBA Emerging Business of the Year
Corporate Partner of the Year
Corporate Diversity Leader
StateFarm Good Neighbor Award


PBS Nominate A Hero
Union Bank, a corporate sponsor of GSDBA, is again partnering with local public broadcasting station KPBS to honor individuals who have shown excellence in the fields of Art, Business, Community Activism, Education, or Social Services. Recipients of these Local Hero Awards will also be honored at an award ceremony in conjunction with the celebration.  Additionally, their profiles will be featured on 60-second TV spots airing on KPBS and online during LGBT Pride Month.
The deadline to Nominate a Local Hero for LGBT Pride Month is Sunday, March 3.  Please follow the action steps described below.  

ACTION STEPS

1.  Nominate those who have made a meaningful contribution in the LGBT community.

2.  Nominations MUST go directly to the KPBS station, the DEADLINE to receive nominations is Sunday, March 3.  ONLINE AT:  http://www.kpbs.org/cultural-diversity-project/ and click the “Nominate a Hero Now” button.

To get more information about this partnership between Union Bank and KPBS, please check out Union Bank’s website featuring previous winners from all monthly categories at: https://www.unionbank.com/global/about/communities/heroes/index.jsp.

Amgen Got $500,000 in tax breaks to cover illegal marketing convictions.

In a recent breaking story, Amgen received a tax break while the rest of America faces increased taxes.  In a story, The Raw Story reports that Republican Senators with help from Baucus (D) were able to coerce a gift of nearly $500 million by delaying Medicare rules during the negotiations.

Despite recently pleading guilty in a major Medicare fraud case and being fined $762 million in criminal and civil penalties (the single biggest fine in history) for illegal marketing, Amgen, the world’s largest bio-technology company, just received a major gift from Congress in its “fiscal cliff” bill—a delay in Medicare price restraints on a class of drugs that includes Amgen’s profitable Sensipar. This provision is expected to cost Medicare up to $500 million over the next two years. The result is that US taxpayers will effectively be paying the majority of Amgen's fines.

Amgen has a major lobbying force in Congress with 74 lobbyists, and has deep financial and political relationships with powerful Senators including Max Baucus, Mitch McConnell, and Orrin Hatch, the leaders of the Senate Finance Committee. Additionally, Amgen employees contributed $141,000 to President Obama’s presidential campaigns.

Senators should not be financing the illegal missteps of Amgen.  The American people should consider it collusion, rather than "politics as usual".  Shareholders of Amgen should address the moral and ethical actions of its Board of Directors, while the Board of Directors should be evaluating the CEO and his role in the illegal marketing and the fines that followed.  All should be punished appropriately, rather than celebrate this windfall.

And, Senators should be protecting Medicare for those who most likely need it.  Medical and Medicaid should be protected.  And, these slimy type of activities which Senators like Orrin Hatch and Max Baucus seem to endorse should be sent to the Ethics Committee of the Senate for review.  Would it surprise anyone that both Orrin Hatch (R) and Max Baucus (D) received huge contributions from Amgen?  Could it be that both Senators Hatch and Baucus have staff who now work at Amgen, and have former Amgen staff that work for them now?  Raw Story reports this very fact and that the access was developed by the staff.

Many in the LGBT community depend on Medicaid in San Diego and those in with Medicaid in other states for their access to doctors and health care services.  Yet, these same Senators endorsed covering the illegal fines of Amgen or at least 65% of it, and are willing to continue decimating necessary safety net services in our communities.   Kaiser Health News reports that Orrin Hatch has bi-partisan support to continue capping and destroying these safety nets.  

Currently a bi-partisan group (only two senators) are leading an effort to repeal this give away.   The LA Times Report provides only two senators supporting this draft legislation.

What will our Californian Senators do about this misguided section of the Fiscal Cliff Bill?  Will it affect their decision that Amgen resides in Thousand Oaks, CA?   Let's find out.

A Thank You Note, UCSD and the Nurses of the 6th Floor.

Over the last couple of months, I have had the experience of being a visitor at the UCSD Hospital.  Someone I care about deeply, as many of my connected family know, has been fighting cancer related issues, plus other disease related issues that occur when someone has an immune system that is depressed severely from disease, cancer or even radical treatments for those diagnoses.

On Thursday, January 17th, on the second return to the floor, I stood outside his hospital room, or as I call it, "the suite".  I had just spent two hours cajoling, comforting, caring, and going half crazy in efforts to maintain emotional balance, contain fear, while deal with the reality that no one loves to be in a hospital.  We had come in for one simple activity, and we now were facing ever changing tests, with results that were not positive, or at best, postponing strategic implementation of drug regimens that could reduce or eliminate medically threatening issues on his life.  To consider it an emotional roller coaster was to suggest a mountain was actually a mole hill.

I took a "time out" on the other side of his hospital room closing his door.  He needed me to find some soda to drink, but I knew we both needed to breathe.  For the next 20 minutes, just outside his closed door, with bright colored paper warning visitors to protect him from them, I was treated to a parade of patients that ranged from the hilarious to the extremely deranged in their reality.  Patients bodly owning their new surroundings as if it was their own living room, and dressing as sparingly and as accordingly.  While others mistook the head nurse as their soda delivery person, and another patient communicated his joy at being interrupted from his telivision by spitting in the nurse's face.

While I appreciate the opportunities always presented to me to meet some of God's most precious or entertaining creations, I generally appreciate them for having survived in our society to this point.  And, at times, I can't wait to make my escape depending how uncomfortable I may be, or rather, howembarrassed.

And, while I wanted to go visit patient "know it all" next door who for at least an hour, had confusedly and completely confidently exoriated successful economic policies that the US was using to recover.  I was quickly stunned by patient "beauty" who was wearing half of her green gown suggestively open on one side, so that everyone in the hall could see her, the five or eight layers of alibaster jello as she walked to a nurse to ask for a glass of orange juice.  And, it was at that moment, I wished that vision of God's creation could be purged from my memory, every wisp of gown, and what was underneath.

And, through every incident, and there were many, the nurses on the floor were professional, patient, and prepared.  The patients on this floor did not want to be on the floor.  I am sure every one of them wanted to be somewhere else.  They did not want to be there for another diagnosis, another health strategy, another drug regimen, and they did not want the pain, and most of them certainly didn't have the purse strings to afford the professional care they were receiving.   And, these nurses understood the reality.

I have been to UCSD too many times to be the health advocate for someone who was there with a terrible sickness or disease.  Yet, this was the moment, and the weeks on the 6th floor, where I learned to appreciate and decided to thank the nurses on the floor who didn't only help the ones who were facing their health and mortalities, but they helped me.

I was at the nurses station asking a question when I saw the business card for the assistant manager of the Sixth Floor.  I took it home with me.  And, I will share, while eliminating personal names of patients, the e-mail I sent to Kyle, Assistant Nurse Manager of the Sixth Floor.

January 17, 2013

Kyle:

This week, I have been with the patient on your floor in room 602 the last few days.  I have had ample opportunity to see the diverse population your nurses serve, the patients who are frustrated, those who are scared, and those, like my room's patient, who are hurting, sick, scared, and simply want to go home.  The doctors who have come in with news both startling and distressing have been candid and tempered.  While the nurses and staff have been so importantly tender and considerate.

I want to thank the nurses who, for the last few days, have so quickly responded to me, to the room patient, and to his pain.  It has increased daily, while doctors come in, with health obstacles, observation, honesty, and strategy.  No matter the outcome for us, before life becomes crazier, or saner, I simply wanted to say Thank You to the staff you manage and assist.

When I have asked for water, they have asked how much?  When I have asked for soda for the patient, they have asked what kind?  When I have asked for heating pads to reduce the pain, they have asked “where can we place them and can we show you how to use them?”  And, when I simply needed directions, they were quite willing to tell me where to go, but did it with a smile.  And, to be honest, when I cried for help to figure out that crazy gown thing, it was obvious I was out of my element.  Yet, they smiled, as if they had been in the same place once.

 I cannot imagine serving as a nurse or in any of the capacities where you serve.  I simply care for those I meet.  I can only comfort those I know.  Your staff comforts us and ours.  And, today, no matter the outcomes for us, whether miracles occur or the cycle concludes, I wanted to thank you all for your care for us.  It is frightening in the thick of disease and worry.  Your staff has been most responsive, despite the competition of contrary patient demands.  And, when a worried partner ventures out to the hall to seek assistance, I have not been ignored, put off, or maligned. 

I thank you for your efforts, one and all.  In fact, some of the nurses have engaged us, cajoled us, encouraged us, and even made us laugh.  And, perhaps, in those particularly dark moments those skills may be the only medicine that can truly sustain us.

In the future, when my partner’s emergency is done, when your staff should need me, I will be there for them.  Thank you, from me and mine.  I appreciate the Sixth Floor.

 

Regards,

Eric

 

I sent th e-mail at 230am.  At 8am Kyle called me and at 830a, the Nurse Manager of the floor called to ask permission to share the e-mail with staff.  I learned that often notes of rage, grief, and frustration are sent to the nurses station, but apparently a thank you specifically documenting their actions and achievements is rare.

 

Clearly, they were moved, and as we escaped for the weekend, on the hopes of never returning, a nurse stopped me.  He was retiring in three months but wanted me to know how moved everyone on the floor was.  And, as soon as he knew I wrote it, he thanked me.  And, I was moved.  Here the caregiver was thanking the one they were helping. 

 

Unfortunately, this week, my favorite patient went back on Monday for one simply action to occur, but ultimately stayed the week for tests, results, new tests, concerning results, additional tests, with relieving results, confirmations, a new drug regimen and hopes of the original treatment can start in a month.  The nurses managing the concerns of my favorite patient sternly commanded compliance with his drug regimen, while making him laugh at their conversations.

 

The day I picked him up as he was discharged from the hospital this week, two nurses came in and let Carleton know they were the head nurses at the hospital and the floor.  They thanked him for the e-mail.  And, they asked him what they could do to improve the care.

 

Again, I was moved.  But, I wasn't surprised.  My parents provided some simply truths that over the years I have determined are helpful in day to day life.

 

The first rule is to say "please".

The second rule is to say "thank you".

The third rule is really a belief.  The core of who a person is will manifest itself under extreme stress.   I had been just observant enough to see this fact on an entire floor of a hospital.  

Now, I have a belief as well.  I believe that when I am the person advocating for someone I care recieves the best treatment, I learn to appreciate the challenges of those bringing the best care possible and when asking, offer to help as best as I am able. 

 

And, recently, I have determined that for me, at the end of the day, I have learned I do not want to be thanked for the fact that I was present for a period of time.  I want to be thanked for what you thought was valuable during that time.  What moved the nurses was not that I said thank you for what they were there to do, but that I recognized the value of what they did, and how priceless what they did for me while they did their jobs was to me.

 

Perhaps, leaders in organizations, managers of people, parents of children, and those who have the opportunity would consider the very value in identify what is priceless about what someone else does for them, we would have a more unified community, state and country.  But, for right now, I am clearly the biggest fan, and will continue to give a big thank you, to the nurses at UCSD, the Sixth Floor.  I would include all of your names, individually, but if I left out that fabulous woman who clorox's the walls to minimize MRSA, it would be a failure.  It is the team, the way they individually respond, and a culture of care.

 

Thank you, again, and let my tears show your value.

 

Phrases Women Say that Men Don't Understand

For 45 years, I have had a wonderfully amazing mother.  For over 40 years, my sister has been in my life.  For many years, I have enjoyed great friendships with girls and women.  Many of them shared secrets with me about boys/men they found interesting or fascinating.  For over 20 years, I have also served in LGBT organizations where women have been a significant part of the membership, leadership, or who benefited from the services of those organizations.  For years, certain words I would hear caused me great confusion until I identified that I had a different definition of these words than women did.  Now, 20 years after I started in my current practice, 70% of my clients are women, 20% are gay men, and the remaining clients are progressives who enjoy my perspective.

The words below are words I have provided current definitions when identifying the connotation of the word when spoken by many of the females I have met.  This is not an exhaustive list nor do the definitions mean exactly what I have written.  It is a suggested definition if you are male, you are in a conversation with a woman, in any type of relationship whether in business, at a restaurant, or in your private life.  It can make life a lot easier when you understand a connotation of word, rather than the definition you have foolishly applied.

Words and phrases to consider:

Whatever – You are wrong.  She is right.  She isn’t willing to discuss the topic any longer.

Fine - Women use “fine” to end an argument when they have already decided they are right. That one word means “shut up” as this conversation is over.

“I’m fine.”  - Translation: “I am anything but fine.” She may be upset, annoyed, anxious or hurt. Calmly ask what she needs of you rather than asking her what is wrong.

Nothing – This word means anything but “nothing”.

Have it Your Way – Immediately choose to not do it your way.

It Doesn’t Matter – Trust me, what you next do will matter.

Don’t worry about it – Worry, and worry a lot.  Likely you need to execute on whatever was discussed in the last two minutes and FAST.

Ok – Red alert.  Do not pass go.  Ok actually means that the discussion is over, she has made up her mind, you are wrong, but you will be addressed later.

Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. She is testing if you will really do something she most likely disapproves of.

You can do whatever you want – My mom used a similar term when I was younger.  You can do whatever you can afford.  This is a phrase that provides you an early warning system that you can not do whatever you want.  You might want to carefully consider any actions that you have been discussing.

Forget it – Consider yourself dismissed from the conversation.  You have lost any negotiation power in the conversation.  The only thing you might be able to do is engage in any activity that was recently shared and get it done now.

That’s okay – It is far from okay.

You’re Right – You aren’t.

The Decision is yours – Not really, just go ahead.

We need to talk – This doesn’t really mean there will be a conversation.  This means that you will be listening, your ears will burn, your eyes may boil out of your head, but you best not say anything during the conversation.

Enough - I have recently added this word.  It may be the only word that is truly clear.  Whatever was just said best not be executed, discussed, or identified in the future.  You are warned.

Silence – Stay busy.  Take out the trash.  Fill up the car with gas.  Clean the toilet.  Stay busy.  Do not engage until you have completed about 1,000 tasks that have been suggested you get accomplished.  And, at all costs, do not turn on the television.

Ladies, what words would you include?  Men, do you have anything to add?

Five Federal Policy Changes to Save $500 Billion.

Change Policy and Save Money

After the Fiscal Cliff negotiations are over and politicians move on to the next great crisis they have created, Americans should consider Five Strategic Policy Changes to impact and reduce America’s expensive Federal Investments.

Lobbyists Oppose Five Specific Policy Changes Americans could adopt to reduce the Fiscal Cliff impacts but lobbyist oppose.  If Americans truly wanted to end deficit spending and big government, they might want to inform their representatives of these specific changes in government policy:

End the Drug War: The federal government spends more than $15 billion a year investigating and prosecuting the War on Drugs. This does not include the far higher costs of incarcerating millions of people for doing drugs. Ending the Drug War offers the government two separate strategic budget benefits. In addition to saving all the money spending investigating, prosecuting and incarcerating drug offenders, Uncle Sam could actually regulate and tax drugs like marijuana, generating new revenue. Studies by pot legalization advocates indicate that fully legalizing weed in California would yield up to $18 billion annually for that state's government alone. For the feds, the benefits are even sweeter.

Prison Reform:  America incarcerates 5 percent of the world population but 25 percent of the prison population.  The federal portion alone on this well supported lobbying consortium costs $68 billion a year.  Why not consider releasing elderly convicts unlikely to commit crimes, offering treatment or counseling as an alternative to prison for non-violent offenders, slightly shortening the sentences of well-behaved inmates, and substituting probation for more jail-time?  Stop buying into “tough on crime” measures.  The measures tend to target minority populations rather than address crime.

Let Medicare Negotiate With Big Pharma:  The U.S. has higher health care costs than any other country. We spend over 15 percent of our total economic output each year on health care -- roughly 50 percent more than Canada, and double what the U.K. spends.

The American private health care system, even with the new health law overhaul remains inefficient, and the intellectual property rules involving medication in the U.S. keep prescription drugs much more expensive than in other countries.  For instance, Atripla costs an patient $1300/month.  Under the Clinton AIDS initiative, patients receive the same treatment for $1/day. 

Medicare currently spends about $50 billion a year on prescription drugs. According to economist Dean Baker, Americans spend roughly 10 times more than they need to on prescription drugs as a result of our unique intellectual property standards.

These savings for the government, of course, would come from the pockets of major pharmaceutical companies, currently among the most profitable corporations the world has ever known. They also exercise tremendous clout inside the Beltway. President Barack Obama even guaranteed drug companies more restrictive -- and lucrative -- intellectual property standards in order to garner their support for the Affordable Care Act.

Off-Shore Tax Havens - The U.S. Treasury Department estimates that it loses about $100 billion a year in revenue due to offshore tax haven abuses. Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.) has been pushing legislation for years to rein in this absurd tax maneuvering, but corporate lobbying on Capitol Hill has prevented the bill from becoming law. 

Deprivatize Government Contract Work:  In recent years, the federal government has privatized an enormous portion of public projects to government contractors. Over the past decade, the federal government's staffing has held steady, while the number of federal contractors has increased by millions. This outsourcing has resulted in much higher costs for the government than would be incurred by simply doing the work in-house. On average, contractors are paid nearly double what a comparable federal employee would receive for the same job, according to the Project On Government Oversight.

 

Immigration: Less Detention, More Ankle Bracelets:  The government spends $122 per person, per day detaining immigrants who are considered safe and unlikely to commit crimes.  The government has plenty of other options available to monitor such people, at a cost of as little as $15 per person.

For the first 205 years of America's existence, there was no federal system for detaining immigrants. The process began in 1981.

Do the math.  It is time Americans stop talking and whining about their taxes.  They need to start asking what these taxes are for, challenge the policy in place and, for the first time in American history, eliminate part of the structure.  Republicans are as unsuccessful in the elimination of any program as Democrats.  While this last year, there was Republican debates about eliminating the EPA, there was not one rational discussion of the specific suggestions on this list.  Yet, rational consideration ultimately finds nearly everyone agreeing these changes would positively impact future federal budgets.

My Remembrance Tradition

This morning, I grabbed the wrapped Christmas Cookies I found in my stocking at Christmas.  I sat on the couch to the news section of CBS online to review the news.  As I quickly glanced past stories on the Fiscal Cliff, Storm Sandy, and Sandy Brook - all grave impacts to Americans -I stopped, as I seem to do every year, at the traditional segment.  I looked down to realize next to me is my last Christmas Cookie of the Season!  This last Christmas Cookie symbolizes the start an annual personal tradition. 

This time of year, from Thanksgiving until New Years, is always special and emotional for me.  I smile with friends, attend celebrations, share gossip with old friends, run into old flames, commiserate with associates, and listen to stories from those who seem nearly ancient.  I celebrate the Birth of Christ, listen to Handel’s Messiah at least once, hear retelling of family stories, and reconnect with that little kid once was.  For me, this personal celebration of Life, Family, Friends, and Faith reconnects me with my Family, my old friends, and to my History. 

This season brings tremendous Joy, where even Heavens Angels and the most notorious of Scrooges among us seem to participate, and it heightens the memories of the lives that impact us.  When most of the festivities are over, after the temporary expansion of the belt, when I have the last of Mom’s Annual Christmas Cookies, I am left with a deeply important personal tradition. 

With the Christmas Cookie by my side, I begin to reflect on the year.  With that cherished last Santa Claus, I reflect on all the Joy of this Season, all the Laughter, every special time spent, all the tradition, every smile, and all the Hope.  Often, this tradition is ushered in by either the first sighting of the "In Memoriam" section from a News organization or realization of the last Christmas Cookie from Mom.  Depending on the year it may be for minutes, but usually it is for quite a bit longer. 

I treasure all of the story-telling, gathering with friends and family, and enjoying the emotions that accompany the fabulous food, the concerts, and the gifts.  I even look for the same baubles on the tree, each year, just to make sure the special ones are there.   Yet, with all the joyous merry making, the ghosts of Christmases Pasts and Experiences Past rise up, to comfort, to haunt, to encourage, and to remind.  I am certainly not immune from their visits. 

Since the early 1990s, when I was nearly devastated from nearly monthly losses of both family and friends, I began to respond to the seemingly overwhelming moments of grief, regret and loneliness that can accompany those ghosts when they visit.  In the deepest moments of grief, loss, and devastation, I needed a time to grieve personally, heal emotionally, and hopefully move through the depression, loss and hurt.

Over the years, it is with the last Christmas Cookie, which seems to be what represents for me the most hopeful thoughts, most loving traditions, the most powerful positive emotions, that I open up to those other emotions.  I take the time to celebrate the memories of those who I still miss, those I still love, those I wish were still here, and those who were most relevant in my life, but who I can no longer touch, visit or hug.   And, it is personal, because for those moments, those hours, I am at one time singing and rejoicing in having known them, yet in the next moments sobbing, with tears streaming down my face for still missing them so terribly much.

This Remembrance Tradition allows me to balance the loss of my Father with the many values, experiences and DNA faults he passed on to me.  My mom has often identified which DNA I inherited from my dad.   It helps me balance the regrets in my life with the achievements.  And, at the end of this experience, I find forgiveness, love, hope, and strength.  I also laugh as I remind him that this year, I had more Russian tea cakes than he did.

I greatly miss Doug, Mike, Kevin, and a host of other dear friends who died of AIDS and the devastating illnesses that accompany that disease.  Yet, through this annual time I set aside to add to that terrible list, I carefully reflect and rejoice that I have also added friends, close and dear as well.  I have learned that when I am feeling overwhelming grief in the loss of a friend, that I will find love in some moments in the past or future.  While in this moment I once again visit the cave in my memory left by a dear friend, carved out by love but drained out by loss, I can find peace in reflecting on the acceptance I felt when I was with them, the love they gave and that I returned. 

Yet, new losses touch old more painful loss.  I understand that if I never loved again or made a new friendship, I would never have to grieve again.  I miss friends who died suddenly, like Willow, yet reflection tempers grief.  Tthrough establishing this tradition of reflection and remembrance, I have found ways to remain open to new friendships, revel in old relationships, and revere the intimate moments between friends laid bare in crisis without becoming depressed, stuck in the past, or left with feelings of abandonment. 

I balance the personal losses with the realization that I have those around me who stand in their place.  When I have felt some of the most overwhelming feelings of grief, it is in these moments when I remember the truths of this personal tradition.  Even when I feel alone, the truth is that there are always friends ready to rush to my side to comfort, care and worry about me.   

In moments when overwhelming fear commands my attention, when the fear of loss staggers me, when my energy is pressed beyond my abilities, I have friends who call, intervene, or rush to my aid.  And, in this moment, I can let out all the pain, terrible fear, anger at life’s cruelty, and accept my feelings of exacerbation hurt, because just as those emotions overwhelm me and tears flow down my cheeks, the thoughts of friends close by and far away balance me, bringing me stability, thoughts of comfort, and ultimately back to the couch, where I find that Santa has been consumed.

Then, I laugh.  My moments of grief aren’t over.  My moments of despair have not come to an end.  I have not attended my last funeral.  I will still lose another best of friends; I will someday soon lose one of those who adopted me into their home.  I will probably still find myself grieving with someone who will die of AIDS.  Yet, I know I will still rush to their side to comfort them.  It is what I do, who I am, and why I treasure this Remembrance tradition.

This tradition reminds me to maintain perspective.  These moments remind me of the values I have been taught, the wisdom that has been gained, the wide range of emotions that we are able to express, and the overwhelming experiences we can endure. 

Over 20 years of this Remembrance Tradition has allowed me a process of facing overwhelming feelings of grief, extraordinary pain and terrible losses.  It continues to revitalize my will, my love, encouraging my laughter and my hope.  One day, I will meet the little old ladies I met when I was a kid.  I will see my Dad and grandparents.  I will see those who were in pain and could no longer stay here.   It is no wonder to me that I set this time aside.  As I finish my active grieving, wash away my tears, box up the memories, and usher out the ghosts, I remember where I left a gingerbread man who survived! 

With the Gingerbread Man in hand, I can confidently say I have faced horror, grief, loss, and overwhelming emotions.    I am able to hug and hold someone who needs the same kind of comfort I needed. 

Perhaps that is why I select the last Christmas Cookie or the “In Memoriam” as my starting point.  With all the love of my Mother's heart, I start facing current hurts and pains, face the old ones, and prepare for the new.  With the symbols of love, hope, and goodness, I can face any of the emotional darkness.  During the celebration of the Prince of Peace, these moments restore my being and my foundation to a place of Peace.  And, each year, at the end of these moments, I thank the Lord for my Mom, this year’s Christmas Cookies, the experiences of this year, no matter how good or how awful.  I pray for my friends and family.  I pray that the next year brings “Yes and More”.   I take the time to raise the last small portion remaining of my Christmas Cookie, break it, Commune quietly with the past, with the grief, embrace it all and let it go so that I can get ready for next year without hindrance, hurt or harm.