Thoughts and Prayers can do enough

Thank you to so many who, over the course of the last few days have reached out to me, Carleton, and his family.  The same day I posted my concerns three days ago, Carleton, who is very private, out of concern for me and his parents, also posted on Facebook a very public acknowledgement of his health.  He has been stunned by the outpouring of care, concern, and love from his family and friends.  It definitely has encouraged him while he fights, endures pain from the illness, the needle shots with liquids that burn, and the myriad of discomforts from the differing issues that he currently faces.

The reasons for publicly reaching out were many.  My grief and weariness, the severity of the medical issues that we face with Carleton, and the many months we have kept the information limited to a very few people.  While Carleton is painfully private, many of you know that I fiercely protect areas of my life so as to burden no one and make only positive impacts on others.

UPDATE

During this week, Carleton will face many medical tests.  Two days ago, Carleton had a Bone Marrow Biopsy.  It now is one more pain he will endure for awhile, but the good news is that the Lymphoma is not in the marrow nor is any infection.  This is a great relief to us as it gives us a options and hope in this fight.  He has started new medication that includes a daily shot in his stomach (no fat on that guy), that takes about 30 seconds to administer, which burns for about 30 minutes, but has been bolstering his white blood cell count.

About 50% of his labs have showed signs of improving under the Infectious Disease doctor’s care the last few days.  Unfortunately, 50% of the labs continue to have results that are still deteriorating.  The list is long enough to me, that when I was asked whether I would like to see the results, I looked up and asked what good would it do me?  I wouldn’t understand the results, someone would have to interpret the results, and wouldn’t they just change tomorrow?  I have a feeling I just spoke what my Grandfather would have been thinking…

THANK YOU

I have had clients who have followed these postings.  Some, when I have responded that a task may take a little longer than usually, have nicely written that I have priorities they understand.  See, my assistant was recruited away to another firm two weeks ago, so now I have her job, my job and the things Carleton did around the house.  I’m good, but I’m not that good.

Your concerns, providing input and love and threats that I better care for me (thank you Celia, Cindy, and Emily), or individuals would fly down and make sure it happened.  And, a few dear people have done what others might think are small things, but right now, helped me in big ways.  Kathleen Connell called out of the blue and asked what I needed at home - I said water - and there was 5 gallons of water on my doorstep an hour later.  Rene Reynoso dropped me off at work so he could at least make sure Carleton's car had some basic maintenance.  Carleton had not done maintenance for a long time, and Rene got the list of additional issues to address later next week.

See, due to Carleton's hospital emergency visits, my vehicle is still at my Mom's in Portland.   So, it is incredibly impactful if his car broke down.

YOUR IMPACT

I am learning that there are so many little things during a crisis that can create big issues seem overwhelming.  So far, with your support, love, thoughts and prayers, I know that I feel stronger, loved, and confident that Carleton and I and our family can face more of what he has in store.  Your thoughts and prayers have shifted my thinking from a place of despair to an emotional place where there is hope, a future, comfort, and some rest.

Two days ago, I talked to Mom from Carleton’s room.  I asked Mom to provide some comfort.  She didn’t think she knew what to say.  I was dumbfounded as I handed the phone to Carleton.  See, I think of my mom as the wisest person in the world.  She may not say what she is thinking all the time, but she is thoughtful, impactful, and kind.  What was the result of the conversation?  After three minutes on the phone with Mom, I could see peace becoming part of Carleton’s demeanor, not just terror. 

REALITY

Carleton’s pain and suffering is still there.  The disease and cancer continue to impact him.  He calls when he is in excruciating pain.  He cries with the frustration, fear, and new strategies that involve new and imaginative ways to help his body fight.  He simply wants to return home, sleep in our bed, and return to a normal life. 

I have now slept three nights.  All three nights have included at least 6 hours, rather than hours of staring into the night.   It is important to share burdens, it lightens the weight.  Sharing our plight has allowed me to work clearer at work, live quieter at home, and be more available to support Carleton during his health crisis.

I have learned one more surprising thing about crisis.  It is funny to someone who plans and impacts others for a living.  The reality is many people reach out and offer to help.  Yet, in a crisis, it is rare for the person facing it to know what to ask, where to direct, how others can help and whether others will follow through on the requests.  In all honesty, if you called me this minute, unless you wanted to help me with laundry (a daunting task), I wouldn’t know how you could help.  You might think “groceries!” but then I would have to make a list.  It requires a time for consideration that sometimes is well beneath the priority and the ability of the one in crisis to consider.  Have you ever noticed someone in a daze?  That is how I feel in some moments, though not as many the last two days.

In my case, rather than offer your time to me, consider how you might help.  Send me a note, a flower, or call me to check in with a suggestion of what you could do.  Remember, I am so much like my family; I am horrified to impose on others yet I will volunteer and change the world. 

To ask for help suggests I cannot do it on my own, and I was raised to be capable.  But, in all honesty, I cannot do it alone.  For some of you, all I ask is that you continue to keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.  For those who live in San Diego, feel free to reach out in an e-mail or call to offer your aid in whichever way you would like.  It can be as easily as simply stopping by and spending the time to help me do this laundry.

And, for those of you who live elsewhere, and have threatened to fly to San Diego.  There is no need at this time.  Should that day come, trust me, I will simply ask you to “Get Here”.  You will read it in my ramblings or hear it in my voice.  I may or may not have a room to host you, but your presence at that moment will be very, very necessary.

Once more, thank you to so many, who have surprised me that they cared, that they love, that they want to help.  It restores my faith in others, when simply three days ago, I felt very overwhelmed, distraught, and stretched to my limits.  Your thoughts and prayers have miraculously healed those feelings.  Imagine what they will do for me in the weeks to come.